I have several guilty pleasures. The biggest problem with such a thing is that I really don’t feel particularly guilty about most of them. Oh, there may be an occasional twinge of what seems like guilt, but it’s usually been so long since I’ve experienced that emotion that I simply overlook it. Even I’ll admit, though, that TMZ makes me feel actual guilt almost every damned time. I’m sure I’m not the first person to say they strike me as sort of scummy, and I’m sure I won’t be the last. This is, of course, because TMZ is really, really scummy.

In case you don’t know, TMZ is a sort of celebrity gossip Web site that is a little mean-spirited, generally pathetic and more fun than a barrel of monkeys. Actually, it’s also a television show now because crap often needs several different mediums to spread the word. They basically hunt down famous folks doing not much of anything and try to make them appear to be something important.

They ask them questions in an attempt to make them say something they will regret. They try to catch them picking their nose or pulling their underwear out of their ass crack. They want to see them trip or even possibly flash a beaver shot as they exit a car. It’s pretty much a degradation buffet. They then write smart-assed little comments around these video clips, whether they happen to be entertaining or not.

The videos usually aren’t really all that entertaining, but I’ve got to admit they are always sort of compelling. That’s where the guilt comes in for me. I want to be above all of it, but I’m just not. There’s a little piece of me that enjoys letting those attention-grubbing celebrities choke on their own importance. There’s nothing more enjoyable than to watch someone ask for a drink of water and then be drowned.

The thing is, I can feel as guilty as I want and it’s still going to be on TV and the Internet. This is because there are so many jackasses who simply love that kind of shit. They don’t really see the celebrities as actual people anymore, simply as characters. They think that famous people are always in a movie, whether they happen to be or not. There’s just not much empathy for other people anymore. My thinking is that I don’t much like the celebrities and I don’t much like the people who like watching them, so something needs to be done.

I should point out that while I think the following is a great idea, I don’t condone it in any way. Also, I’m very, very lazy and have little desire to follow through on any of my thoughts. Thus, if you want to make my idea into a reality show and make millions upon millions of dollars, feel free to do that. Just give me half of the money, and pretend I never had anything to do with it. I mean, I’m all for making money, but I’d really rather not look like a complete asshole as I‘m doing it.

So my idea is to put the regular folks under the microscope for a while and see how they like it. It would be a wonderful reality show, and I think we would all relish the opportunity to tune in once a week and make sport of someone who isn’t famous at all. The producers of this show would take regular folks and hire paparazzi to follow them around all the time. If Donna from Iowa takes the garbage can out in a bathrobe, a picture of it will be plastered all over the papers. If Jerry from Alabama chats up the new secretary at work, they’ll be commentators talking endlessly about how his marriage may be in trouble. If Brenda in New Jersey gets drunk and goes on a swearing rampage outside of a restaurant, we’ll all be watching and talking about it the next day.

Imagine a normal person heading to the grocery store and having 20 photographers and videographers following his or her every move. Think about a regular Joe stepping out of the local watering hole, all glassy-eyed and staggering, to find a flock of gossip journalists pounding him with questions as he makes his way to his pickup truck. Even worse, what if a family member had some sort of accident and an everyday person had to fight their way through a throng of paparazzi just to get inside the hospital? I guarantee you, none of it would seem all that fun anymore.

Being humiliated on a television show might seem like far too much retribution for some dipshit who simply craves celebrity gossip, but I find it a little hard to say that they don’t deserve it. It’s a creepy little place we’ve gotten to as a society where we aren’t just happy with knowing generalities about someone. We need to see everything about a person, inside and out, day and night, real and imagined. We want to cram their celebrity down their throats and pull it out the other end to see what is inside. I suppose we think it makes us better to know just how depraved someone else is. Truth be told, it probably makes us all a little worse.