Timing

THOMH: A horror movie coming out on Halloween?! GENIUS! Whoa whoa whoa ... wait one second ... by coming out on Halloween, THOMH will surely pull people in that Friday night, but will audiences be clamoring for a horror movie after Oct. 31? Nah.

Porno: Ring in the beginning of the holiday movie season with a healthy dose of porn! November means Thanksgiving, so take Mom and Dad to Kevin Smith’s latest boob-filled extravaganza, and spend some quality time with family!

Cast

THOMH: Uhhh ... I got nothing.

Porno: Elizabeth Banks. Seth Rogen. The guy from the Apple commercials. ‘Nuff said.

Controversy

THOMH: The film is bloody, violent and filled with death. Thus ... no controversy!

Porno: The word “porno” is in the title. Thus ... controversy! Ads for the film have been pulled from television, newspapers and buses because it is FAR WORSE for children to see the word “porno” than to see blood and violence and death. FAR WORSE.

Likeliness of Being a Good Film

THOMH: Remember The Covenant? No? Well, what about Sarah Landon and the Paranormal Hour? Another no? Hmmm ... I ... uh ... bet this one will be different? (Sigh)

Porno: Kevin Smith, as a director, has delivered his fair share of misses (Jersey Girl). Yet he has also given audiences wonderful, spot-on hits (Clerks). This one is getting good buzz, and Smith certainly is a talented filmmaker, so I think it’s a pretty safe bet to say Zack and Miri Make a Porno won’t be awful.

Rating

THOMH: It’s PG-13. No excessive gore, boobs or rampant sex will be in this one, folks. A horror movie with a PG-13 rating can be good (The Ring), yet it’s rare.

Porno: According to Internet buzz, the film’s R-rating has been heavily contested due to the graphic nature of the film’s depictions of sex. So, kids, if it’s boobs you’re looking for, this one seems like a much safer bet than The Haunting of Molly Hartley.

Final Score

The Haunting of Molly Hartley: 0

Zack and Miri Make a Porno: 5

Conclusion

If I see you at the Savoy 16 entering the theater to see The Haunting of Molly Hartley, you’re gon’ get slapped.