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There’s an old saying, “the other line always moves faster.” It seems sort of true. The other line really does seem to move faster. This is usually considered a bad thing unless you’re a terrible stand up comedian looking for another bit that’s not particularly funny. Slow moving lines are frustrating, but for some reason, this is one of the few inconveniences that I just end up laughing at. I’m always looking for another completely unproductive outlet for my rage, but getting angry over a check out line that isn’t moving seems so futile it’s not even worth worrying about. I’d always assumed there was simply nothing I could do about it. Once again, it turns out I was incorrect.
There’s a new book out called “Buy Ketchup in May and Fly at Noon” written by a fella named Mark DiVincenzo that tells people the best time to do certain things like go to the DMV, buy shoes, or get a prescription, to avoid lines and delays. It’s weird. The book seems like it would be super handy and I could even almost see myself buying it. The problem is, I read an interview with the guy and he pretty much told me everything I wanted to know about it in five paragraphs, so there’s not much need to drop $20 on the book now. It’s like if a person really only wants one steak and he’s expecting you to go out and buy a whole side of beef.
Anyway, I figure I could save everyone the price of a new book and probably put this bastard in the poor house at the same time if I ran over the highlights.
For the Department of Motor Vehicles, he says the best time to go is in the middle. Go in the middle of the day, in the middle of the month and there will be less congestion. Actually, that sounds like some pretty good advice. Every time I go, it’s crowded as crap, but I never go in the middle of the day or in the middle of the month. I’m usually standing there on the last day of March at about 4:49 in the afternoon because I just realized my sticker expires at midnight. They should really sell those things at liquor stores and then at least I could kill two birds with one stone.
The best time to buy shoes is late in the afternoon when your feet are swollen so the shoe doesn’t feel tight the rest of the time. This is a good tip for just about everyone because no one likes wearing tight shoes. The only people who should probably avoid this advice are clowns. They can go to a shoe store virtually any time of the day or night as still be just fine. “Wow, this shoe fits perfectly. Go ahead and give me a pair eleven sizes bigger than this.” Along the same lines, this is why I always take a copy of Hustler with me when I go to buy new underwear.
The best time to have your picture taken is in the late morning or early afternoon, when your face looks it’s best. I suppose that’s fine advice, but I am certainly not the guy to ask. I have one of three looks in every picture that’s ever been taken of me, crabby, mentally challenged, or crabby and mentally challenged. When I think about it though, most of the time people take pictures of me these days I’ve had a cocktail or two, so I really don’t have much of a fighting chance. I had a theory that if I try to smile and take a good picture, I generally end up looking like a complete moron, so it would only make sense to try and look as deranged as possible and then the picture would turn out just fine. It turns out this was a very, very bad theory.
If you’re flying, the best time to do it is around noon. The thinking is that the business folks already have to be somewhere or aren’t ready to leave yet so you’ll avoid that huge mess. That’s probably a smart idea. I, however, really freaking hate to fly so I have my own rule. The best time to fly is after I’ve had two martinis, four glasses of Scotch, two shots of tequila, and a bottle of cough syrup. It doesn’t much matter what time of day it is because after ingesting all of that, pretty much everything that happens to me is perfectly all right with me. I can’t be pissed off and there’s a very good chance I’ll be passed out before the plane leaves the terminal.
What I actually learned from not really reading this guy’s book was that there’s never really a good time to do anything. Sure, I’m all about saving time and I hate standing in lines, but I also hate planning my entire day to avoid such things. For some completely misplaced reason, I think standing in lines, much like holding my urine and seeing films with subtitles, builds character. The thing is though, it doesn’t. If it did, I would have to think I would have far more character than I do at this juncture in my life. Yep, standing in line is a pain in the ass, but it makes all the time I’m not standing in line seem so much better.
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