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As I stepped outside early on Sunday morning, I could have sworn I heard a voice. It was familiar and I know I’d heard it before. It had just been awhile. The voice was wrapped around a cold wind that made me squint and shiver with dread. It wasn’t the voice of someone who had come to kill me. It was the voice of someone who was only going to make me feel like I was dead for the next five months. It was the voice of old man winter, a crusty bastard who’s sort of like Freddy or Jason or any of those horror movie villains. You think they’re gone for good and they still come back, year after year after year to the point where no one really cares about them anymore. Global warming or even a stake in the chest can’t stop Mr. Winter, so the only thing you can do is buckle down and get the hell ready.
Winter preparedness is never really easy. This year really feels like there’s a crapload of things to take care of before winter gets its foot completely in the door. We have to worry about the flu. We’ve got to worry about transportation. We’ve got to worry about shelter. We’ve got to worry about wardrobe. We’ve got to worry about our pets. It’s a freaking Maslow’s hierarchy of things that need to be taken care of. It’s probably time we get started.
The first thing everyone should probably do is get a flu shot. I think you’re supposed to get a couple of them this year, for the different types. My theory is that if everyone else gets them like they’re supposed to, I won’t really need one because there will be no one to pass the virus along. This, of course, is a terrible plan. It doesn’t really bother me that my plan doesn’t work though, because for some unexplained reason, I always kind of want to get the flu — right up until I actually get it.
For me, the flu is like eating at Wienerschnitzel. The memories seem exponentially more awesome than the actual experience. I picture myself all snuggly, laying on the couch and watching old movies all day. I’ll drink all the 7-Up I can hold down and maybe have a bowl of chicken soup. The only thing that breaks up this party is the frequent naps I’ll be taking. I remember it as a little time off work to relax. In reality, my face is covered with snot, I’m constantly shivering, the soup only makes me have to vomit, I can’t stand upright for more than three minutes and my fever makes those naps seem more like a visit to Rob Zombie’s attic than a lovely trip through Candyland. I know what happens with the flu and I’m still so stupid I can’t wait to get it.
The next thing I like to take care of is the car. Primarily because I will need it to drive to the doctor’s office once I’ve become completely bitch slapped by the previously mentioned flu. The first thing I do is make sure I have a scrapper for the windows. I’ve been surprised by that first freezing rain of the year and spent close to an hour trying to clear a vision hole by scrapping with an empty Tic Tac container or the heel of a shoe. The right tool can really make your day. I also like to spray the doorframes and locks with silicon so they don’t freeze up. This actually works and is much easier than trying to pee the ice off in 10 degree weather.
After this is complete, I try to make sure all of the house windows are closed. Every year I just assume its taken care of and I usually find on that’s not sealed. Like my dad always said, “We’re not trying to heat the outside too, dumbass.” While I’m still in the house, I usually try to begin switching out the summer clothes for the winter clothes. This is easier for me than most people. I don’t really worry much about them matching or looking good. It’s much more along the lines of “Oh, this is a top, this is a bottom. That will totally work.” Then all I need to do is superglue that stocking cap to my bald assed head and I’m ready to go.
As far as the dog goes, he gives me the look like it’s all a practical joke each time he heads outside to take care of business. All I can do is offer empathy. I tried to put a sweater on him for warmth once and he gave me a look like I’d cut his testicles off again.
As usual, I’m sure most of those tips don’t really do anyone all that much good. I suppose it would be a good idea to make some sort of checklist I can use each year to help ensure than I’m ready to get through until April. The problem is that just doesn’t much fit my personality profile. I’d rather think I’ve got it all taken care of and then have to struggle through an unforeseen situation. Maybe that sort of thing builds character or maybe I just ready too many Jack London books as a kid. Either way, winter is coming and he’s gonna have his way with all of us. The best plan is to dream of April and hope for the best.
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