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• The value of virginity

Last month, a California college student made headlines by auctioning off her virginity to help her pay for college. As she was quoted, “We live in a capitalist society. Why shouldn’t I be allowed to capitalize on my virginity?” The owner of the brothel where both the auction and consummation were to take place added, “Why lose it to some guy in the backseat of a Toyota when you can pay for your education?” Besides the vast economic pressures that might make having sex to pay for school the best option, Doin’ It Well wanted to also discuss the definitions and assumptions of virginity in our society.

A virgin is a person who has not had sexual (usually penile-vaginal) intercourse. Aside from clinical definitions of sexual inexperience, virginity is also a value-laden word that implies “purity,” “innocence” or being “untouched.” When virginity is discussed, the focus is on “saving,” “protecting” and “cherishing” one’s virginity before eventually “giving” it to someone. With all these things tied to what it means to be a virgin and the high value placed on that, people can become confused about their sexual feelings and try to preserve a concept of purity at all costs. For example, we hear people say, “If I’m a virgin, I can’t get an STD.” Meanwhile, many virgins are engaging in oral and anal sex in an effort to protect themselves physically, spirituality and emotionally from the consequences of “losing their virginity.”

Am I a Virgin?

Virginity. Chastity. Purity. Abstinence. These words get tossed around, but it’s not clear what precisely they mean — although there is a lot of pressure to uphold them. In many ways, the focus on virginity narrows our views of sexuality, keeping it in a tight box, controlled and defined by others.

If someone masturbates, are they pure? If two men perform oral sex on each other, are they virgins? If a straight couple makes love to each other without penetration, have they preserved virginity? If a young lesbian couple enjoys mutual masturbation, are they still virgins? In addition, because of the narrow definition of virginity, many women who have experienced sexual violence may no longer consider themselves virgins because the sex act, not their freely given choice, is what defines their virginity. This is the problem when a narrow definition is used to categorize and place value or worth on people based on their sexual behaviors.

A Million-Dollar Price Tag

Some people seemed shocked that a young woman might auction off her virginity, but we’re not that surprised, given the high value that is placed on sexual purity, particularly of women. This virginity auction is not the only example of the concept of “my virginity is a gift.” Reconstructive vaginal surgery, for instance, is an example of this, in which women go under the knife to recreate physical virginity, usually as a “gift” for her husband’s birthday or an anniversary. Along with this return to purity, some suggest a “second virginity” — abstaining from sex after one has already been sexually active in order to reclaim a “spiritual” virginity because, of course, the physical one has already been “ruined.”

Abstinence Ambivalence

We live in a culture that provides many different messages about sex. Sex is described as pure, disgusting, hot, dirty, passionate and sacred. There is pressure to both be sexual and to deny one’s sexuality. There is an assumption and value placed on abstaining from sex — this is seen as the “right” and “normal” behavior. In addition, the freedom of sexual expression is granted only within the context of heterosexual marriage.

However, what we know is that most individuals in late adolescence are engaging in some sexual behavior, either by themselves or with a partner. In fact, sexual behavior prior to marriage is the norm, not abstinence. Because these messages also don’t get applied to men and women equally, this also promotes a double standard between men and women’s sexuality. Yet we continue to see messages that suggest we need a “return to purity” — a time that frankly has never existed.

What’s Wrong with Sex?

We often hear that people who choose not to have sex should be supported and their decisions celebrated. We wholeheartedly agree. At the same time, those who choose to be sexual in ways that are healthy, normal and feel good to them should be celebrated too. A higher or lesser value shouldn’t be placed on the sexual decisions that people make. Instead, focus should be paid to how we are developing sexually and whether or not it is positive and healthy.

Each and every one of us, whether we are choosing to have sex or choosing to be abstinent, are sexual beings. Sexuality is an important aspect of our identities. And sexuality includes everything from our sexual behaviors to the ways in which we understand ourselves and our emotions. It is important that pressures to abstain don’t limit our abilities to develop into sexually healthy individuals and that we are free to choose to be or not to be sexually active for a variety of reasons that feel good to us and not simply to meet some external expectation of what is “right,” “pure” or “worthy.”

It’s time we place the highest value on what it means to be sexually healthy and to live within a sexually healthy society and not simply rely on one word or concept to define our worth.

Check us out next week as we sink our teeth into biting.