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• The Musical Yearbook

For one frantic, shallow week in high school, everyone ran about their business while pondering who had the best hair, admirable style and was most likely to run away to the circus. Afterward, of course, we realized having the sparkliest eyes in school wasn’t going to take us places in life. Here are some muses of the music world and how they would’ve been judged in high school. Use a little imagination and picture a graduating class of Tom Petty’s “Mary Jane” and Apples in Stereo’s “Ruby.”

Most Nonsensical:

“Penelope” — Of Montreal, Coquelicot Asleep in the Poppies: A Variation of Whimsical Verse

Whether she’s shooting apples off Kevin Barnes’ head or seducing the Prince of Plum, Penelope wins the award for the most eclectic gal. She’s crazy, but we dig it.

Biggest Creep:

“See Emily Play” — Pink Floyd, The Piper at the Gates of Dawn

The song was reportedly written about a girl Syd Barrett saw in the woods after taking hallucinogens. Whether she was real or imagined, why was Barrett sleeping in the woods?

Scrawniest Girl:

“Judy Is a Punk” — The Ramones, Ramones

Poor Judy was a runt who joined the Ice Capades. At least it was a strong enough song to land on The Royal Tenenbaums soundtrack.

Biggest Two-Timer:

“Cecilia” — Simon and Garfunkel, Bridge Over Troubled Water

He just got up to wash his face, and by the time he came back, she was already sleeping around. A catchy song for such a sad story.

Most Popular:

“Mary Jane’s Last Dance” — Tom Petty, Greatest Hits

She not only grew up tall and right, she helps kill people’s pain. Everyone in my high school would’ve loved this Mary Jane girl.

Most Depressed:

“Stephanie Says” — The Velvet Underground, Peel Slowly and See

I guess if I’d given half my life to people I hate now, I’d be pretty upset too. At least they say she’s not afraid to die ...

Best Cold Shoulder:

“Ruby” — Apples in Stereo, Her Wallpaper Reverie

“Are you listening girl?” No, she probably isn’t. Ruby has a keen ability to make people feel like imbeciles simply by being silent. That’s not the best way to get a date to the prom.

Most Hated:

“Fuck You Lucy” — Atmosphere, God Loves Ugly

If your ex-boyfriend is yelling “Fuck you very much!” you’re either not on the right path, or your ex is psycho. Either way, I’d get a restraining order.

The Rebounder:

“Help Me Rhonda” — The Beach Boys, Today!

Poor Rhonda only got noticed after his girlfriend left for the cheating side of town. A relationship based on forgetting someone else never turns out well.

Most Controversial:

“Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard” — Paul Simon, Paul Simon

There are many theories about what Julio got caught doing that day in Corona, Queens. Some say the song is about an anti-war protest, others a homosexual relationship and some still say it’s about recreational drug use. Either way, Julio was bad ass enough to get thrown in jail by his mother and saved by a radical priest.