Enjoy Thanksgiving this week. In fact, enjoy the piss out of it. Get your belly full, take a nap and watch a football game at the same time. Make a futile attempt to force some alcohol through all the stuffing and turkey, then get one of those night’s sleeps where you wake up with spittle on your chin. Get up in the morning, smile and get ready to have your ass handed to you because it’s the beginning of the holiday season.

Yeah, I know, birth of Christ, blah, blah, blah. Time with family, blah, blah, blah. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family and Jesus is cool with me. When it’s all said and done though, those two are about the last things I think about until Christmas day proper. As far as the Jesus thing goes, nobody really gets that excited about their birthday a whole month ahead of time, so let’s calm down a little. As far as my parents go, I can’t wait to hang out with them a few days, but I’m really dreading how freaking hot their house is these days. Seriously, I should just wear a towel around my waist during the whole visit and pretend it’s an extended sauna.

The rest of it is parties, shopping and drinking. Actually, I like most of those. I mean, I really like one of them and the other one is pretty great, too, but I guess I’ve just never been much of a shopper. Anyway, since I do like the drinking, I feel it’s always best to combine it with the shopping portion of the holiday. Does this make for some poor Christmas gifts for others? You bet. Does it make it easier to get through? No freaking doubt. I’ll try to walk you through some shopping tips.

I think it’s always a good idea to break the ice by buying a small gift for someone. This gift is usually for someone I care about very much ... myself. Now I know and understand me and I know I would really enjoy the gift of a big glass of Scotch. Sometimes I even buy a couple of gifts for myself before I even think about shopping for others.

Like anything else, shopping is something you don’t want to jump into without some preparation, so ease into it. Have a couple of pops, look around, ask questions and listen. Find out what is on other people’s gift lists. Some of the best presents I’ve given were ideas I’ve stolen from other people. So were some of the worst ones, but still. This is also a good time to let your mind wonder. Think about the most extravagant gift you could get for a person, then think about how many times they pissed you off in the last year; downgrade accordingly.

It’s important not to drink so much that you get all sentimental and sappy, however, because this will make you want to please others with your gift. You’re just trying to get through this, not impress anybody. So, once you’re about half in the bag, that means it’s time to get started. I like to stumble around the mall just to get the lay of the land. I usually only go there once a year anyway so it’s nice to develop a complete hatred of the area right off the top. This encourages me to leave there as quickly as possible.

Even if you’re intoxicated, it’s important to keep your head about you. Some gifts are just bad ideas. One year, someone got me a CD of Christmas songs. What the hell am I supposed to say to that? Wow, great thinking. The holiday is practically over. Now I have a bunch of freaking Christmas music. That’ll be awesome a year from now when I can actually get some good out of it. It’s like giving soldiers ammunition two days after the war starts. If the person isn’t going to use the gift in the next ten months, find something else.

If, by some strange twist of fate, you manage to find gifts for everyone on your list in one outing, the celebration shouldn’t begin just yet. You’ll need wrapping paper, bows, cards, tape and a buttload of patience to get the damned things wrapped. One year I completely forgot about wrapping the things until Christmas Eve and I had no accessories. I ended up using typing paper and telling everyone the white was to represent snow. No on believed me, but they came around when I threatened to take the presents back. People love threats around the holidays.

When you get finished, go ahead and celebrate with a few more cocktails. Think back on all the gifts you’ve purchased and imagine the person’s face when they open them. This will be nothing like the actual event, but pretend you made a good decision while you still can. Have a couple more drinks and forget all about the freaking gifts. Just think about the people and how much you actually care about them. You’ll realize that a gift is nothing more than a pathetic attempt to show someone how much you care about them. When you get to this point, you can return everything and buy yourself something real nice. That way at least somebody will have a happy holiday.