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When I was a little kid, I had what I thought were regular little kid toys. I had a BB gun, some sports equipment, some silly putty, and three or four dogs to play with. I also had a few action figures of super heroes that I’d dick around with quite a lot. My dad called them “dolls” and was convinced beyond belief that they were making me gay. I never really got that. I mean, I pretended they were fighting each other and that sort of thing, not designing outfits and listening to Cher records. Either way, they were kid toys to me, and I mostly just pretended with them. I could make them do pretty much whatever struck my fancy. It all seemed fun and simple. I’m not especially sure action figures and dolls are quite as simple these days.

Apparently they don’t leave much for the imagination either. I’m, of course, talking about the new doll from a company named Gizmodo called, and I’m not joking, Pole Dance. It’s pretty much what you would expect, a pie faced little girl in a shiny dress wrapped around a pole with a disco ball on top of it. Just looking at the ridiculous picture of it, you can almost smell that undeniable stripper stank coming off of her. As toys go, it could be far more dangerous than pellet guns, lawn darts, and lead based figurines combined, just not in the same way.

There’s playing “dress-up” and there’s “playing dress-up like a whore,” and going from one to the other isn’t exactly a smooth transition. In all fairness, there’s not really much of a confirmation that it’s actually a real doll, and I could just as easily see it being an Onion kind of prank, but either way, parents are up in arms about it, believing their kids could be in danger.

Honestly, I’m not sure they need to worry all that much. Just playing with a doll that pole dances doesn’t necessarily mean your daughter (or I suppose son) is going to aspire to be an exotic dancer. Hell, as I said, I played with a G.I. Joe for several years and have yet to join the army, hold my hand in a Kung Fu grip, grow a full beard, or rappel from a tower over an alligator’s head. In fact, though I enjoyed playing with the action figure, if anything, it made each of those things seem terrible to me as I entered adulthood.

Nevertheless, parents still don’t want little Mary sitting alone in her room and spinning a hooker doll around a shiny plastic pole, dreaming of the day when she can take meth and be a real life porn star. Sure, it may happen anyway, but they don’t want to push it anymore than need be. Rather than bitching, it might be a good idea not to buy the doll in the first place. Even that might not help much though. The world of pole dancing is all around and it apparently will not be denied.

Of course, pole dancing got a major boost a few weeks ago when Miley Cyrus did a little trampy pole dance during the teen choice awards, working the pipe as if she were in the plumber’s union. What’s wrong with that though ... um, well? She’s only sixteen, that’s a good place to start. She’s doing her little dance in front of millions of people, which seems sort of inappropriate. I mean, it’d be weird if she was just doing it in the basement of her trailer for her friends, but national television really ratchets up the creepy. What else ... oh yeah, she’s only sixteen. Geez Louise, only sixteen and she’s already proven she sucks desperately at two things, dancing and singing. This bodes well for her future ... in Bizzarroland.

I can’t blame the entire pole-dancing craze on an annoying little hillbilly though. Apparently, Wii has plans to come out with a pole dancing game for their system. That strangely could really stimulate the economy. All of those awesome flat screen TVs are going to need replaced after thousands of housewife gamers fly from the slick pole and go crashing through the monitor. Also, many people may have to have two TVs hooked up in the same room because I’m sure the Wii masturbation game can’t be too far around the corner. It’s a freaking marketing dream to sell both of those in the same package. Maybe they can even come up with a Wii game that allows people to experience embarrassment and self-loathing to go along with the other two games and just make it a three-pack.

Call me old school, but I’m still of the belief that things like pole dancing should really be left to the highly-paid, highly-tattooed professionals that work in strip clubs all across our fine country. If we aren’t careful, all these dolls, amateurs, and games could ruin pole dancing for the simple folks who really enjoy it ... you know, fellas like me. Something like a strip bar just isn’t any fun if the things they do there become commonplace. It’s weird these days. Everyone wants to pretend they’re bad and rebellious, but they also want none of the repercussions that come with such a thing. I have a feeling many folks will soon see just how dangerous pole dancing is though. It just won’t be in the way they thought it would.