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• Sweetcorn Festival a bust!

First Sniff

In retrospect, I can look back on the Sweetcorn Festival with a certain amount of delight and awe. When I was a child, it was one of my favorite things to go to with my dad. The reasons are endless, but one of the main ones was because the corn was free.

And man did we eat corn. I swear, I was shitting out corn for weeks. You would go up to the people running the stand and they'd ask, "How many do you want?" You could say, "Thirty-eight, please," and with a smile, someone would hand you the 38 ears of corn, drenched in butter and wrapped in wax paper. I mean, it's corn, for crying out loud, not saffron.

But now, it's a load of bullshit. $1 for ONE ear of corn? What is that, a joke? Not to mention the fact that the corn was brought to us by ... Wal-Mart. And it's shipped in from ... Colorado?

And what was with the booth placement? Who is in charge of that anyway? How come all the "liberal" organizations like WRFU and Anti-War Movement were clumped together in a low traffic area while the "Honor The Chief" booth was front and center in the middle of the flippin' intersection? Oh yeah - a real "liberal" community we live in here.

Very nice, Urbana. Very nice. I suppose that, based on the way that Tod Satterthwaite ran the city into the ground for 12 years, it's no one's fault really. But let's hope that next year, we can get corn prices down, and maybe, just maybe, we could contract some local farmers to grow sweet corn for us. Perhaps we could find some parity in the way that booth locations are determined as well. Once again, it seems as though Urbana is in serious need of some help.

I believe in Laurel though. Don't you worry. Prussing will take care of it. Doesn't seem like it would be too much trouble, does it?

Tom Cruise - You and your friends are a bunch of sniffers...

I suppose that the only good part of the day for me was when I went to the Scientology booth. They were giving away free Stress Tests as a way to promote their "Bible" - Dianetics by that guy named Mother Hubbard. It seemed interesting enough anyway, so I sat down next to a lady with a machine that looked like it had been bought at Radio Shack in the bargain bin. It conspicuously had the name Hubbard on it. I was asked to grab on to two metal cylinder things and she asked me to think of someone in my life. Naturally, I thought of a few people - my girlfriend, my mom, my brother, my boss, etc. etc. Allow me to recreate the dialogue for you so that you can get a sense of the genius behind this machine. There are three characters to this one act: Seth Fein, Woman and Man, identified by acronym.

W: Are you thinking of someone? SF: Yes. W: Do you see how the needle is moving? SF: Yes, I do. W: That means that you feel some degree of stress about them. SF: Of course I do. They are important to me. W: Wouldn't you like to not feel stress about them? SF: Uh. That's impossible. M: It's not impossible. You just don't want to learn. You don't want to listen. SF: Do you ever feel stress about anything? W: No. We have learned how to rid ourselves of our "Reactive Mind." SF: So, have you ever been in a relationship? M: How is that relevant? SF: Well, if you have ever been in one, you would know that it can get stressful at some points. Say, when you are trying to conceive and you can't, maybe? Not that I am, but I know people who have been through that.... M: (interrupting) With Dianetics, you can accomplish anything. SF: Yes, but... M (interrupting): See! You just don't want to listen! You don't care! SF: Sir, I am trying to have a dialogue here. If you would just hear my... M: (interrupting) You know what?!? This is my booth and you can just leave then! (He is yelling at me by this point!) SF: Oh yeah. You seem calm.You're already yelling at me for simply asking questions?

I left. And so, in case any of you were wondering about whether or not Scientology reduces stress and as a result, will help you lose weight - it doesn't. Everyone at the booth was yelling at people and was fat. So, go get yourself a treadmill and a day at the spa. Same thing - only without the brainwashing.

Final Whiff

It is worth noting that we here in

C-U have a growing number of bloggers with many different opinions. Personally, I have never "blogged" about anything. But I suppose that when you write a column in a weekly, there is not much need for it. But not everyone is as lucky as I. But dammit if they aren't great reads throughout the day - and deserve just as much attention as the rest of us going out on a limb to spread opinion and fodder for the community! And allow me to state this: It can get pretty heated when someone starts to rip into a certain local columnist. (Hint: it wasn't me)

In any event, people should be reading these guys and gals. They have copious knowledge about these little cities of ours and every now and again, something pops up that makes people electronically freak out. I did on Saturday night. It was a blast! But remember: If you are going to post something inflammatory about another person, do us all a favor, grow a pair and use your own name. Those of you who post anonymously are just like the Scientologists: a bunch of scared ass jicks, afraid to face the realities of life.