Search for:
Doin' It Well
Stumbling upon your partner’s sex toys
4:00 am Sep 10 - by Ross Wantland – buzz Writer, and Jo Sanger – buzz Writer
Dear Jo & Ross:
Here’s a column idea for you: what to do when you’ve stumbled upon your partner’s “goody drawer?” I recently came across my partner’s stash and want to talk to him about it. I am usually comfortable discussing sexual topics but this feels a little difficult.
— LK
Dear LK:
Thanks for the excellent question! As you may know, research is showing that most people have used sex toys at some point or another, and many use them regularly. So, we’re sure other readers have found themselves unsure of how to approach this same situation.
This may feel different than other sexual discussions because you’ve discovered something about your partner that is both private and that they haven’t shared with you yet. You may want to respect their privacy, but you may also be eager to tell them you’ve found their sex toy stash so that you are no longer holding a “secret.” Of course, being open and honest in our relationships is always the best medicine for true intimacy, but that doesn’t mean it’s always easy!
Doin’ It Normal
Remember, self pleasuring is perfectly healthy, normal and — while most people engage in masturbation — not everyone does. In addition, the frequency and style of solo sex varies from person to person. The bottom line: their solo sex life might be different than yours (more or less often, with or without toys) and that’s OK. Also, remember that people who are in relationships masturbate just as frequently (some studies say more often) than those who are not partnered. Just because your partner uses sex toys does not mean that they are not happy or satisfied with your shared sexual behaviors.
Start With You
Figuring out what you are feeling about finding the “goody drawer” may help guide the discussion you have with your partner. Your reaction might depend on when in the relationship you stumbled upon the sex cache. Your reaction might also depend on how sexual the two of you have been together. Either way, it presents a good opportunity to discuss many areas of sex with each other.
Pay attention to the feelings you are experiencing. Are you intrigued, afraid, excited, turned-off, turned-on, worried, surprised, or pleased? A combination of these and other reactions are normal, but remember, your reaction is about you, your sexual values, scripts and beliefs. Your reactions to your partner’s sex toys says a lot about who you are sexually, so explore these aspects first and be careful not to focus too much on what this means about your partner. At the same time, it will probably be helpful to consider what this means for you in a relationship with this person.
Asking yourself some questions first may help guide what you want to say to your partner when you do bring it up. Do you want to incorporate some of their toys into your partnered sex? Do you want to learn what toys they have and how they use them in order to learn more about what they like? Are you curious what those toys mean (if anything) about their sexual relationship to you? Would you rather not know what toys they use, how, and with what frequency?
Bringing It Up
Although it can feel awkward, we recommend a direct approach to discussing this with your partner. Choose a time (or create a time) when the two of you are connecting or talking with each other, and simply say something like, “I accidentally stumbled across your ‘goody drawer,’ and I wanted to talk about it if you’re up for that.” Keep in mind that you’ve been able to take some time to react to finding your partner’s toys. Once you bring this up with them, it might be a good idea to allow them some time to react, too. You may also want to give them permission to choose to keep that part of their life private. Or, this would be a good time to share with them that you have a goody drawer, too!
Closing the Drawer
Keep in mind that your partner may not want to talk about their sex toy use in detail or they may not want to share their toys with you! Their solo sex life is theirs, and it’s up to them which aspects, if any, they want to share with you. This does not need to distract from your partnered sex, especially if the two of you can talk openly and honestly. Doing so will ultimately bring you closer together, which will enhance pleasure and fulfillment.
Check us out next week as we explore another reader topic suggestion: the day after the hookup.
Jo & Ross write for you! Send them a question or suggestion to buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com
Sound Off
Last post: Sep. 13, 2009 at 4:28 pm
TemptationsDirect (unregistered user) said on Sep. 13, 2009 at 4:28 pm:
When you are deciding to bring sex toys and sexy lingerie into your life, there are a lot of options for you to choose from. If you are looking for something to add to your alone time, like a vibrator, dildo, or sex doll, your decision will be easier as it is just your choice. If you are in a relationship, the addition of sex toys in your bedroom should be a shared agreement. Of course, you have every right to have them on your own, but in order to utilize them with your partner, the agreement should be mutual. If the prospect of bringing up the subject with your partner frightens or embarrasses you, buying them ahead of time probably isn’t your best option. If you can’t broach the subject, you will not be able to add them to your love play and will end up using them strictly solo.
Keep in mind that communication among couples is very important. If you cannot openly discuss things with your significant other, you probably are not ready to take the next step of being more open in the bedroom either. If you bring a vibrator or dildo into the mix and your partner had no idea you were thinking about it, the outcome might not be what you were hoping for. Making sure how your significant other feels on the subject of sex toys is very important. If they are opposed and you bring one in the room unknowingly, things will not end well. Taking things slow might be a better choice by introducing first some new sexy lingerie.
Once you have decided to have the talk, ease into the conversation while you are by yourselves, maybe sitting on your couch alone. Be open and honest with them about how you would feel about adding a little something to your sex lives. Let them know that you love being intimate with them, but adding a bit of variety will be fun for both of you. If you get a positive feel from your partner, go ahead and discuss the possibility of going online to http://www.temptationsdirect.co.uk/ and browsing the categories together. In my opinion, making the decision together can be fun and bring you closer.
The choice of your first sex toys should be a wonderful, exciting experience. Whether you choose to get a vibrator, dildo, or another type of addition for your bedroom, it should be a fun, learning experience. There are many types of sex toys to choose from on the market such as, dildos, vibrators, sex dolls, vibrating cock rings, and anal plugs. Adding one of these to your sex life can really heat it up and take it to the next level. Adding sexy lingerie to the mix will make your love play all the more steamy. The hotter your lovemaking, the closer you and your partner will be in and out of the bedroom.