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• Steps to increase your braininess

They say people’s brains don’t work as well as they possibly could on Mondays. Oh see, I usually write this little column on Monday, so that may perhaps be a reason for the quality, or lack thereof, contained in my work. In all fairness, I’m not sure how much better my brain works the rest of the week either. As you get older, there’s just a lot more crap you have to put in there and attempt to remember, so it’s understandable if my intelligence, or once again, lack thereof, isn’t running at top efficiency every damned day of the week. Thinking is hard, especially when you’re expected to do it on a regular basis.

There are supposedly ways to improve you brain function, but the problem is you still have to think while you’re doing these exercises. It seems like a lost cause, but I suppose it can never hurt to try to make an improvement. I know they have those little handheld video games now where you can answer questions and tweak your knowledge, but all that seems like a pain in the ass. It’s like an electronic flashcard and I never much liked the pressure of a regular flashcard, let alone one that’s able to talk back to me.

Instead, I decided to go another (i.e. cheaper) way and fortunately found some tips that seem pretty easy. They still probably aren’t quite easy enough for me to actually do them, but still ...

The first one is super easy. Eat almonds. Geez, I like eating, and I like almonds, so that couldn’t be any easier. Apparently, some people believe almonds improve memory. I can’t remember who those people are right at the moment, but cut me some slack. I haven’t started on the almonds yet. Another idea is pretty simple and similar. Drink apple juice. Research indicates that apple juice increases memory power. I don’t drink much apple juice, but I do drink that alcoholic cider fairly often, and it’s pretty good. I will skip the juice, keep the cider and hope for the best, I suppose.

Another idea that is super easy is to get plenty of sleep. Holy crap, that’s awesome. Even a lazy person can do that. In fact, it’s tailor-made for a lazy person. I can absolutely verify that sleep is good for memory. I often remember things when I sleep. Sadly, most of the things I remember are scary clowns from my childhood, and they usually come to me in the form of a nightmare, but in a way, that’s still remembering ... even if it’s not particularly pleasant.

It’s also a good idea to get rid of as much stress as possible. It’s good advice, but it’s easier said than done most of the time. I never feel like I’m stressed most of the time, and then eventually, I’ll actually relax and suddenly realize how tense I’ve been all damned day. The best way to nip this shit in the bud is to just calm the piss down. Try listening to music or exercising. I’m sure yoga also would be helpful, but the last time I tried that, I realized my body no longer bends in any recognizable way, so I didn’t

get much out of it.

Your mind also needs exercise. This apparently means more exercise than counting the number of commercials while watching television. They say you should play a game or start a hobby. I’m assuming the hobby shouldn’t be watching television. They say it’s also a good idea to try to learn a foreign language. I’m assuming this should involve something more than watching Spanish television.

Eating a ton of sugar will also screw with your mind, so cut that out. See, this seems like a wonderful idea until I begin to think of all the things I like that have sugar in them. Then it seems pretty hard. If I could say, cut out broccoli and vinegar from my diet, it’d be a piece of cake. Wait, I think there was some sort of a pun back there, but I’m not sure my mind is working well enough yet to really understand it properly.

Developing imagination can also give your mind a shaking up. Try to remember every detail about a certain event, and soon your brain will be clicking on all cylinders. Be careful, though. Don’t try to remember something stressful, or it could all backfire and wipe out the benefit of the imagining. Also, don’t remember eating sugar, not doing yoga, not drinking apple juice or eating almonds, not exercising or ... oh, something else.

In the end, preserving your mind is probably a lot like guarding Michael Jordan. You can’t hope to control it, you can only contain it. Everyone’s brain begins to deteriorate somewhere down the line, and the only way to avoid this is to die young, which isn’t an especially pleasant option either. I think the best thing for our brain might simply just be to use it as much as possible. Like I said in the beginning, thinking is hard, but it really needs to be done. In fact, the only thing harder than thinking is not being able to do it anymore. The only good thing is when you can no longer think, you’ll have more than enough company along for the trip.