I really enjoy this time of year. Yeah, yeah, Christmas, family, shopping, snow, that’s all great, but what I really enjoy is all the year-end lists that come out. I’ll be honest, it’s mostly because I do this little column every week, and things like that give me plenty of stuff to make fun of. Every so often, though, the list is actually interesting, too. Since I feel like I’m constantly looking up things on the Internet, AOL’s year-end list of the hot searches for 2008 really made me happy. I get to learn and mock at the same time.

I was a little surprised by the general search category. I just assumed it would have something to do with pornography. I don’t know, maybe I hang around a bad crowd or something, or maybe AOL just didn’t include it because it was considered a given. Either way, the No. 1 searched topic was the dictionary. That actually makes me feel a little better about us as a society, using technology to write and understand betterer. I suppose we could all use it a little more now that I think about it.

Weather was second on the list, so I was feeling even better about us using technology to help in our everyday lives. This notion was quickly shot down, as games was No. 3 on the list. All work and no play and all of that. Really, though, the only other kind of fun things in the top 10 were lyrics, movies and horoscopes. The rest were somewhat useful things such as maps, universities, calendars and ZIP codes.

Under the “How To” section, the No. 1 search was how to tie a tie. I suppose that’s a pretty useful search, though I would imagine it’s a little trick to turn your body in such a way to complete the task. I truly hope it’s not the same group of simpletons logging on to the site every damned day. I usually just try to leave the knot in when I take the tie off so it’s ready to go for next time. As an added bonus, it fits wonderfully over a hanger when it’s done this way.

Writing a resume and how to draw came in second and third, just ahead of how to make money, which seemed kind of odd. If I could do a successful search on how to make money, I would never have to tie a tie or make a resume again. Once I had plenty of money, then I might learn how to draw but only for a hobby.

Las Vegas led the domestic travel searches, which makes complete sense. People love to lose money. The next two on the list seemed odd though: Myrtle Beach and Chicago. I’ve been to both places, and they’re fine, but I can’t imagine a crapload of folks wanting to make their way there. Under international travel, Dubai was the top search. Once again, Iraq did not make the list. I hate to be critical, but their tourism department really leaves something to be desired.

The top events category was a little sad to me. Fourth of July and Mother’s Day were high on the list, which is nice, but toward the end, I began to sob just a little. Hannah Montana concerts came in at No. 8, leading me to confirm what I came to learn in grade school: I don’t get little girls at all. High School Musical shows were also very popular, coming in at No. 6. Apparently, the people doing the survey really don’t understand the distinct difference between an event and an annoyance.

Speaking of annoyances, The View was the top searched talk show, followed by Oprah. Maybe the Internet really is an evil tool. It could just be that talk shows sort of annoy me in general. Geez Louise, Tyra Banks, Montel Williams, Regis and Kelly, and Dr. Phil were all on there. I have no desire to see that shit the first time it’s on the air, let alone go back and watch some of the clips over again.

MapQuest was in the top spot for online resources. Just about everyone I know prints out a map now before they go anywhere, assuming they don’t have one of those GPS systems. That’s all well and good, but I can’t help but feel bad for the old guys sitting outside the gas stations in small towns. I grew up in a small town, and let me tell you, some of those fellas live to give directions to lost strangers. Sadly, they no longer really serve a purpose other than loitering. Sure, it’s just a little thing, but it’s still sort of sad.

Fine, now that I’ve looked over the list and the column is all written, it wasn’t nearly as interesting as I thought it might be. There were a couple of surprises, but for the most part, the Internet is becoming like television: We mostly use it to look at crap. In fact, I’m sure many people actually watch a ton of television programs on the Internet, which makes it seem even more annoying. We have this thing that can give us all the knowledge in the world, and we’re more concerned with playing grab-ass than learning anything. If nothing else, it’s a pretty good indicator that the Internet has now become a necessity.