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• Saving money with dog hair, roadkill or dumpster diving

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Everyone likes to get a bargain. It’s nice to feel like you’re saving money, but most times it doesn’t work out all that well. It usually doesn’t take very long to figure out why something was so inexpensive. “Oh wow, that chicken breast is really cheap. Oh, I see, because it has the texture of an eel.” Or “Geez, I can’t believe they can sell a car for that price. Man, people really don’t pick up hitchhikers like they used to.” Or even “That’s a really reasonable price for a massage. Hello, 911? I’ve been violated in an amazingly creepy way.” Most of the time, a bargain isn’t all that much of a bargain. This observation in no way keeps all of us from trying to save money, even though we kind of know what’s gonna happen.

Well, recently came out with a list of extreme ways to save money. I assume they were trying to be funny, you know, like I try to do in this column. Sadly, they succeeded about as well as I usually do. Since it said, “extreme ways” to save money, I assumed it meant, “cool ways.” Extreme drinks are cool, same with extreme sports, even extreme toothpaste. They, um, didn’t mean cool extreme. Let’s have a look either way.

Their first idea is to check the lost and found. They don’t mean to check it to see if anything you’ve lost is in there. They mean to check it to see if anything you’d like to have is in there. Holy crap, how much does a freaking umbrella cost anyway? Is it enough to make you appear to be a complete douche bag by taking something that isn’t really yours? What do they call it? Oh yeah, stealing. Whatever. Maybe they should change the name from “Lost and Found” to “Needed and Taken.”

Their second idea was a little bit less rat bastardly, but far more creepy. Apparently there’s a company that will teach you how to knit with dog hair. Fine, I don’t really believe it, but even if it’s true, I’m not sure this is the way to go. If I wear a shirt two days in a row it begins to get a little gamey. A freaking dog essentially wears the same damned coat every day for about fifteen years. That’s not to mention the dogs that enjoy rolling in their own waste…which is actually every damned dog. A shirt made of pet hair will not make you seem frugal. It will make you seem insane, smelly and insane.

Extreme drivers can save a little off the old gasoline bill by turning off their car early and coasting into a parking spot. I’m sure this little technique can save upwards of three cents a month. I’m sure it will also lead you to be rear ended on a fairly regular basis. I’m sure a person could also save a crapload of money by not replacing brakes and tires and oil and windshield wipers. This in no way means this is a fine idea.

Finally they get to a somewhat sound idea, eating road kill for dinner. Sure, it sounds pretty disgusting, but I’m from the country and I’ve eaten some fairly freaky shit in my time. In fact, I actually remember butchering a deer I’d hit with my car once. The meat tasted just fine to me though the butchering wasn’t the most pleasant afternoon I’ve ever spent. It may sound a little nasty, but when you’re trying to save money, the method of an animal’s death should probably play a minimal role.

In a similar vein, they recommend dumpster diving as a method for saving some cash. First of all, let me say that even if you’re super enthusiastic, it’s not a good idea to actually dive into the dumpster. Ease yourself in as slowly as possibly and if you feel anything sharp about to pierce your skin, pull yourself out as quickly as possible. Second of all, if you find one of my drunk friends sleeping in the dumpster, don’t call me. Besides that, I guess you might as well take a chance. There have been times I’ve thrown away something that has been perfectly good. Still, there have been times I’ve thrown away three gallons of bacon grease. It’s really a pretty big chance to take.

The rest of the ideas are about as awesomely extreme as these are. Suffice it to say they involve ignoring expiration dates, reusing tea bags (not the kind you’re probably thinking of, but actual bags of tea), stealing condiments from restaurants, and just about any thing else you can think of that doesn’t seem quite right. The best way to save money may be to ignore Walletpop from now on.

Trying to save money often leads to simply giving money away. If you go by this list, it can also lead to you being one of the most annoying people ever to walk the face of the earth. It’s an old saying, but it’s sort of true. “You get what you pay for.” My dad also used to have a good saying. “Don’t act like a dumbass all the damned time.” If you put them both together, you might actually have something. Some of the tips on this list might be tempting, but I think I’m staying away from them for now. I like saving a dollar whenever possibly, but its also nice to have a little self esteem put aside for a rainy day.