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• Revisiting sex and biting

Hi,

I just read your article about sex and biting ... and want to ask a question about it. My husband wants to bite me hard and I want the bite marks, but [during] sex play I resist because of the pain. [My husband] has asked me if I don’t like biting, but I do. Can you suggest some exercises or a way to help me and my body get used to biting?

— Waiting for your reply

Dear Waiting,

Thanks for your question! It sounds like your dilemma is your desire to engage in a behavior that is physically uncomfortable for you. It is important to question behaviors that don’t feel good to us — whether physically or emotionally — and explore ways to increase our comfort level.

First, we have to ask ourselves if the activity is truly pleasurable to us, or if we mainly are trying to please our partner. Sometimes we engage in activities that aren’t our “favorite” because we like to see our partners so aroused. This isn’t necessarily unhealthy.

But, if it feels like we have to do something or our partners will be upset, angry, will leave us, etc., then that may no longer feel like as much of a choice! When there is mutual caring between partners, we can recognize one person’s desire as OK and that our choice not to fulfill that desire or enjoy a behavior is OK. Neither is wrong; our preferences are just different.

Chewing on it

It may also be helpful to ask yourself what you like about being bitten? If you find that you like the idea of being bitten hard more than the real thing, perhaps your husband can pretend he’s biting down hard while really only gently nibbling. It’s also OK to say, “The idea of that really turns me on, but I don’t want it in real life because of the pain.” Loving and caring partners don’t want us to endure painful sex for their pleasure only.

It is important to keep in mind that the deliberate, responsible and consensual use of pain during sex is not about the giver experiencing pleasure from their partner’s pain but rather them experiencing pleasure because of their partner’s pleasure derived from pain. If pleasure is missing for the receiver, than you may want to consider eliminating playing with pain during sex and focus on other behaviors that do make you feel really good.

Increased tolerance?

If withstanding more pain is your goal, it may be something you can build your tolerance around. This is a process, and may take some time and patience. Be sure to continue communicating with your partner when the biting is no longer tolerable or doesn’t feel good. Experiment with guiding your partner at a pace and pressure that feels good to you. If you show resistance, we recommend your partner make the decision not to bite you until you ask him to.

Keep in mind that whatever your pain threshold, the pleasure or enjoyment you experience from it should be more important than how hard the bite is. Each person has a different threshold for pain but that doesn’t make the painful pleasure they experience “less than” someone else’s pleasure. But, it also seems like you want the bite marks, which might require a harder bite. You might try slightly numbing the area with ice before and to soothe the area after the bite. In general though, we do not recommend numbing out pain (or pleasure) with any substance (e.g. ice, drugs) during sex as it can increase injuries.

Being bitten

Start by asking for light bites and instruct your partner to move to different parts of your body, not biting the same place twice. Have them start with a soft bite and maintain the pressure (don’t let go). Very slowly, as you adjust to the sensation and if you can tolerate it, you can have them increase the pressure of the bite. As more pressure is applied, have them hold it gently for several seconds until you’ve adjusted to the sensation.

Experienced biters learn to read their partners and don’t apply more pain than is pleasurable for them. Increasing skill and decreasing pain with biting is as much your husband’s responsibility as a biter as it is yours as the receiver.

Instead of trying to change your reaction to this one behavior, focus on what you do like. There are countless ways to experience massive amounts of pleasure and excitement during sex. Part of the fun may be experimenting with your partner to find those that you both really enjoy!

We’ll be here next week answering another reader question. Keep them coming!