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At “Doin’ It Well,” we talk often about communicating with your partner about what you want and enjoy sexually. Recently a reader suggested we explore “first weekend hook-ups.” If you do have a one-night-stand, how can you have the communication — and experience — that you’re looking for?

What’s your expectation?

Before a hookup, the people involved may have different expectations: is this a “no-strings attached” experience (NSA), or are you interested in the possibility of a relationship afterwards? Will you spend the night together, or just be there for the sex? And what will happen when you see each other afterwards?

Sometimes, people may not be aware of what they want until they hook up with someone, or they weren’t even expecting to hook up in the first place. If expectations are thought about, they are often unspoken between partners. If spoken, it may take the form of “sweet talking” or promising a certain experience for the other person, whether physical or emotional. While sweet talk can be honest, may can just as easily share the version of the truth they think is most likely to get them laid (i.e. “Of course this is more than just a hook up.”) If we think about it, sweet talk doesn’t help us be honest with ourselves, or our partners.

Of Studs and Sluts

When it comes to hooking up, men and women often suffer the negative consequences of traditional gender role expectations. We expect men to be sexually aggressive, boastful of their one-night-stands, and only interested in NSA sex. We expect women to be sexually timid or repressed, unless they’ve been drinking, and more interested in relationships. But we’ve heard from men who hooked up and were interested in a relationship, but did not pursue it because of worries about both rejection and how men are “supposed” to act. Women have shared that even if they wanted something afterward, they felt they should not expect it, and waited to see if their partner would bring it up. It seems that at least some of the time, this lack of communication causes needs to go unmet.

Know YourSelf

We know that both men and women can feel disappointed or guilty after hooking up because their expectations were different from their partner’s. It may be helpful to consider ahead of time what you’re looking for, even though hooking up can be spontaneous and unexpected. If you hope in the back of your head that you find someone to have sex with, what might you want from that experience? Is there a specific person you are thinking about, and what might you want after? Are you only interested in a sexual/physical relationship and nothing more? Do you want to be friends with benefits? Or do you hope

a relationship might come afterwards? Your expectations — or the emotional reactions you know you might have — can help you understand what might happen after the hookup.

Something to Talk About

Once you have a sense of yourself, it can be easier to share this with a partner, even if a sexual situation arises spontaneously. Maybe it is not realistic to think people are going to begin expressing their desires upfront during the prelude. But wouldn’t it be amazing if we could? We all have sex for a variety of reasons, some physical, some emotional, and some social. Thinking and talking about our hopes for the hookup can help us meet those needs.

Seeing Each Other

So, you have just shared an intimate, vulnerable experience with someone. Now what? How will you talk about the experience? How will you react when you see them out next weekend? What, if anything, will we tell our friends? Regardless of how deep or superficial the sexual experience, the person we just hooked up with is a person, and deserves compassion and respect. How we interact with or talk about that person later is a continuation of our experience with that person. Being sexually responsible also means being respectful about our hookups. It might seem unrealistic and we can’t control how others might act, but we can make sure we are being sex positive ourselves.

This also means fighting the sex negative hating. Don’t hate on women or men who want to hookup, whatever their motivations. This means we don’t chastise the guy who said respectfully and honestly that he’d like to hook up but isn’t interested in a relationship. It also means we don’t make comments like, “I wouldn’t date a woman I’ve hooked up with.” We have to celebrate the sexual behaviors of everyone. We may not all want the same thing, but if we’re open and honest, there’s no reason we can’t respect the choices of others.

Check us out next week when we’ll share our interview with national sex educator and advocate, Jessica Yee!