I’m sort of glad the holidays are over. I’m not being a Scrooge after the fact or anything, I just had a ton of time off and idle hands are the devil’s playground and that little devil inside of me is finally worn out. Really, it was just enough already. By the end of break, I had eaten the remains of many different pigs and could possibly own stock in the Jim Beam Corporation, so it still seems like a holiday well spent. As far as the presents go, I got everything I wanted and far more than I needed. In fact, I got so much I thought I might even be flush until well into 2010. Apparently, I was mistaken, as I ran across a list of things I’m absolutely going to need in the coming year.

Okay, fine, I’m not sure if I will absolutely need them, but the article said they were “must haves” for the coming year. I really bet they aren’t “must haves” though. I mean, food, water, air, those things are really the only “must haves” that should ever be on a list like this ... and yet strangely they never are. So, I’m assuming these are just some nice little extras to buy in the next year. I would imagine I’ll get most of them sometime in 2020, but it’s still nice to dream.

First on the list is the latest smartphone. Geez Louise, I just got a cell phone last year and now I have to get one that’s actually smart? Evidently, just talking and texting isn’t enough these days. A phone should be a video camera, a regular camera, a television, a computer, a music player, a video game player, and a movie screen. Actually, making a phone call is pretty much the last thing we really require our phones to do anymore.

Man, is there any way they can just knock my ass out and jam a bunch of circuitry into the back of my head already? If I forget my phone now, I feel like I’m less of a person and it’s sort of a crappy phone. I can’t imagine if I really depended on it. If we really need all those things, you’d think evolution would take over and our newest humans would begin sprouting them during their formative years. I saw a baby over Christmas and it didn’t have any of that shit. I’m just saying, maybe a person doesn’t really need it.

Next on the list is a reasonably priced high definition TV. Actually, I don’t need it, but I will admit it would be pretty nice. It’s weird, but they do sort of seem affordable all of a sudden. Eight hundred bucks and a vehicle big enough to carry it and you’ll find yourself staring down the barrel of a 42-inch screen of some really pretty video. On Feb. 17 you have to have one to get a broadcast signal anyway, so now seems like as good a time as any. Oh sure, you can get a converter box for your old TV, but let’s be honest, they’s really no joy in bringing home a converter box.

I really can’t wait for number three on the list — an internet video service. Imagine sitting down in a chair and being able to call up any old movie or television show you’d care to see that evening. You don’t have to leave the house, no late fees, and even better, only me and my video service will know that I have repeatedly viewed The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, Die Hard 2, and On Golden Blond. I swear I can always hear the video clerks snickering as I walk out the door. Time for you all to suck it.

Apparently, we will also need an e-book reader. Whatever. I’ve heard this shit for years now about how we can read books on some sort of screen. I suppose it sounds okay, but in reality, there’s nothing like actually holding a bunch of bound pages in your hand. Maybe I’m wrong, but actual books have really held on for a long time and I just don’t see them going anywhere. Even if these devices do become the only way to read, I think I’d probably still end up printing out the whole damned thing instead.

The last thing on the list is a Netbook. Holy crap, what’s that? Oh, it’s just a really small laptop? Okay, I suppose. I guess it’d be nice for work, but it makes me wonder what these people think I’m doing when I leave my house. Trust me, I’m not doing anything important enough to require a computer. In fact, most of the time, I’m not doing anything important enough to need much of a brain. I don’t really need any extra help to have a bunch of beers and watch a ball game.

Like I pointed out earlier, there’s a big difference between want and need, but most of the things on this list would actually be pretty nice to have around. If nothing else, it leads me to hope that the whole economy isn’t completely in the crapper just yet. I suppose we’ll know for sure next year if the top five “must have” items are meat, any sort of grain, a non-cardboard house, a happy thought and a big drink of water.