When I was a kid and we were out of town, I was forced to go to the restroom with my mom until I was five or six. It was for my own safety and probably to keep me from peeing and pooping all over the place, but either way, I picked up a few weird habits from her. At the time, she felt no toilet seat was safe until it had been wrapped with countless layers of protective toilet paper. Even then, I was encouraged to hover over the seat as much as possible. I wasn’t really clear as to the reason for this procedure, but being a child, I assumed it was to keep countless bugs and diseases from crawling up inside of me and killing me within the hour. Back then, and probably even now, going to the restroom in public can be a sort of creepy thing.

Before we get into the whole topic, I should add an addendum to the previous story. My father was unaware of the procedure my mother and I had implemented, and the first time he took me to a public bathroom when I was about six, things didn’t go particularly well. I insisted he come into the stall with me for some reason. I suppose it was because I figured he would really enjoy the experience. He closed the door behind us and stared straight ahead, probably wondering how he ever got involved in this creepy little family. Regardless, when he turned around and saw me decorating the toilet like it was a float in the Macy’s parade, he wasn’t especially happy.

I can’t remember exactly what he said, possibly yelled, and he seemed more freaked out than actually annoyed, but it was all something to do with being a man and hurrying up and not listening to everything my mother said. The screaming didn’t help my condition in the least, and I believe I didn’t even attempt to go to the bathroom for the next three days just to spite him. Apparently, he was more concerned with brevity than safety.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve pretty much come down on Dad’s side of the fence. When it comes to public restrooms, get the hell in, get the hell out and don’t worry about the damage. I found some tips on this last week, and it looks like Dad’s method was actually OK, with maybe a few exceptions. It turns out that it’s almost impossible to get a disease from a toilet seat. Wow, all those sleepless nights were for nothing.

They did say if the seat was “visibly soiled,” it should be wiped down before business. Well, let me tell you, if I see a seat that’s “visibly soiled,” I’m either going someplace else or crapping my pants. I’m really not comfortable in any sort of “wipe down” situation. Of course, sometimes it’s not even a question. It’s just so weird how some people can absolutely wreck a tiny little room. Were they taught to crap standing up and turning in a circle or is it just to annoy other people? It’s probably a little of both.

This leads us to what the article called “the great flushing controversy.” Initially, I thought they were just talking about whether or not to do it, and I didn’t quite understand not erring on the side of decency. They were instead talking about the proper method for flushing. I was still a bit confused. I mean, with the opposable thumbs and all, I just assumed it was an upper body task. It turns out that’s not necessarily true. It turns out many people out there flush with their foot. Classy. I’d have to do some light stretching just to get my leg up that high in the first place.

The thinking on the foot flush is that if other people are doing it, then you probably should, too. Otherwise, you’re not only getting things from other people’s hands but also their feet. Geez Louise, do we need to get Congress involved to make us all act like human beings? I mean, it’s called a handle. It is not called a footle. Because of this, let’s just all use our hands. I assume because of this controversy, we’re now being inundated with those godforsaken automatic flushing toilets, where if you happen to lean forward too much, the freaking thing activates, and it feels as if your intestines are about to be sucked from your body, not to mention all that undesired splashing. This leads us to the next section that should be filed under “beyond obvious.” It’s a fine idea to wash your hands after you go to the bathroom — it prevents you from getting sick and might even keep others from getting sick as well. Like voting: It’s a bunch of shit, but it’s still the right thing to do.

It’s all a tricky thing. People don’t want to use public toilets because other people use them. We don’t have much regard for our fellow man anymore. We assume they aren’t decent, and they assume we aren’t decent. Sadly, we’re probably all correct in this assumption. It’s never going to a wonderland in one of those things, and it’s not a shrine or anything, but I think we could all be a little more hygienic when we’re in public. It’s either that or we all start wrapping things in paper again.