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• Power and pleasure in performing oral sex on a man

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Hi Kim & Ross,

“When I was younger, I wouldn’t go down on guys because of the way oral sex was portrayed, like in Snoop Dogg’s songs when he says things like ‘suck my d*ck, b*tch!’ Even though I was curious and genuinely wanted to try oral sex, I feel like the media limited my behavior. You two should write about that!”

—AC

AC,

Excellent suggestion! Many of us remember the powerful scene in GI Jane when Demi Moore tells Viggo Mortensen to “Suck my d*ck!” Rather than a tender sexual moment, this expression is used to indicate power or dominance over someone, or to put them down. For a lot of reasons, oral sex is taboo. Because the genitals are seen as “dirty,” someone who would put them in their mouth is therefore submissive. Also, the position of being on one’s knees while performing oral sex on a man physically indicates the receiver being “above” the giver. For many reasons, oral sex is assigned more than just a sexual meaning; it is often more associated with power instead of — or in addition to — pleasure.

Powerful Messages

Because our society is unable to talk openly about sexuality, often the only way to get away with mentioning it is to demonize both the act itself and the people performing it (curiously, the people receiving oral sex are rarely put down, which helps reinforce their “power”). Talking about sex in this way also perpetuates the idea that sexuality (especially sexual pleasure or enjoyment for women) is inherently wrong and keeps these conversations on the outside limits of polite conversation, hidden under “explicit lyrics” labels.

Meaningless?

Sex without love is often portrayed as a universal fantasy, perhaps in response to strict moral pressures about what kind of sex is permitted. But often this fantasy gets hijacked — instead of humanity, respect and true mutual regard and pleasure for both partners, “meaningless” sex is depicted as something entirely different — power, anger, disgust. This places sex in a dichotomy: it is either romantic/loving or it is about power over another person. We also live in a society where sex is supposed to revolve around the penis and male pleasure, so both men and women may have difficulty navigating mutually respectful and caring “meaningless” oral sex.

Down on Me

It makes sense that after hearing messages about oral sex you wouldn’t want to engage in that behavior. If we believe only “b*tches” perform oral sex or that it is an act of submission, we may not want to give our partners a BJ, feel frustrated if we want to but don’t want to be labeled “that type of person,” not want to ask for one, or even be upset if our partners give us one. This can lead to complex feelings that link physical pleasure with emotional discomfort. In this way, the negative representations of oral sex can limit us all sexually.

In oral sex, the receiver is portrayed as harsh, aggressive and disrespectful. This is often shown as the only way for men to ask for and receive oral sex. If this is the only context we see fellatio in, it may feel like we have forced roles to play: either the aggressive receiver or the degraded giver. Rarely do we see portrayals of mutually respected sexual partners who care about one another and enjoy shared pleasure shown in mainstream media, especially when it comes to overt sexual behaviors.

Oral Arguments

To fully enjoy our sex lives, it’s important that we engage in activities only when we are comfortable or ready to. Because we’re surrounded by the media, the sexual messages we hear are going to impact the ways we experience sex. If a behavior does not feel appealing to us, it is our choice to decide not to engage in it. At the same time, it can be helpful to talk to a partner about your desires and hesitations and find ways to experiment on your terms. It may mean developing a foundation of mutual respect and trust. It may also mean communicating with a partner if something feels demeaning, and why. It’s also just as important to listen to our partners about what they like and how they are feeling about our sexual interactions.

The next time you hear or see a reference to sex or sexuality in the media, take a moment to analyze what the message is, and how it might shape the sexual beliefs of those listening. Talking with others about these messages can help us all sort through the positives and negatives we hear about oral sex, and learn what we like.

Check us out next week as we flirt with flirting.