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G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Buzz says:   MPAA Rating: PG-13
Current Showtimes: No showtimes available

As a kid, I was never into G.I. Joe. It was a little before my time, so I never got the opportunity to become a fan. However, I can’t imagine any amount of fanboy nostalgia would make G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra even remotely enjoyable.

The film follows the adventures of the secret military team G.I. Joe, as they try to take down an evil corporation that is going to destroy major cities across the globe with a new technology. We meet the team through the eyes of Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans), American soldiers who join the team after a run in with the Baroness (Sienna Miller), a villainous killer with whom Duke formally dated.

Director Stephen Sommers (The Mummy, Van Helsing) has experience dealing with summer blockbusters, and each of his previous films are known for being big, corny, action flicks. But G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra might be his dumbest movie yet. The entire film is a mess. Despite a well-executed chase sequence in Paris, the action scenes aren’t exciting. The story doesn’t make sense, which the film tries to get around by moving at an extremely quick pace. And the majority of the actors, Dennis Quaid in particular, seem to be phoning it in. Also, despite a reported $175 million budget, the CGI is wretched and sticks out like a sore thumb.

While watching this train wreck, the thought that kept coming back into my head is how similar G.I. Joe is to Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s 2004 movie, Team America: World Police. It’s almost as if Sommers decided to remake that movie, only instead of puppets make it live action, and take the subject matter seriously.

The summer of 2009 has been a crap shoot of bad blockbusters, likeX-Men Origins: Wolverine, Terminator Salvation, and Transformers 2. Now, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra gets to join the group of movies that have been robbing moviegoers of a good time at the theater. The only reason I would watch this movie again would be to do a double feature with Team America so I could have a good laugh.