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• My "grown-up" Christmas list

I drove past a few shopping areas this past Friday, and I was thankful, even though it was one short day after Thanksgiving. I was simply thankful my dumb ass didn’t get mixed up in that first day of Christmas shopping like so many of those other poor bastards. Judging from the number of cars and the lines, I have to assume the economy isn’t quite as bad as we are led to believe. If we were in an actual depression, folks wouldn’t be standing in line at Wal-Mart for four hours to get a high-definition television for 200 dollars less than normal. They’d be standing in line at a grocery store for 12 hours to save 20 cents on creamed corn. At least it’s nice to know it’s business as usual for America around the holidays.

Now that I’m no longer worried about the economy, I can focus on Christmas gifts. Oh, I don’t mean Christmas gifts for friends and family. I’ll get those on the 23rd. I’m speaking about Christmas gifts for me. My friends and family probably need plenty of time to make sure they get me a gift I don’t give back to them next Christmas. I hadn’t really considered it until now, so let’s take a look at some of the popular gifts I might enjoy this holiday season.

The first gift I stumbled on was the EyeClops night vision goggles. They’re actually the perfect Christmas gift because I don’t need them in any way, and they probably cost quite a lot. They work just like the real night vision goggles, and you can see up to 50 feet in total darkness. Wow, I’m glad all those high-tech wars are finally paying off with some cool-ass gadgets for normal people. The thing is, I’m not sure what I’d use them for. The only thing I really do after dark is drink and take the dog out. I don’t need them for drinking, and I have no desire to learn what the dog does in the backyard after midnight. The dog feels the same way about me.

There are about 100 high-tech gadgets and games that would be sort of cool, but by the time I learned how to actually use most of them, they would be obsolete. I do really need an Xbox 360, though. It seems I’ve become quite productive lately with work and chores, and I need to find a surefire way to back down this production. A new video game system would be just the ticket. The glaze over my eyes could probably last from this Christmas until the next one, and that’s only if I buy one or two games.

Of course, if I get the Xbox, I’ll need a new flat-screen TV. I’ve almost bought one several times, but every time I look at them, the price has gone down quite a bit, and I just have the feeling that as soon as I buy one, the price will drop even lower. It reminds me of those old days when calculators were about 100 dollars one year and the next year, they were literally giving them away. Still, watching television is far more important than addition and subtraction, so I may have to suck it up.

I saw this marshmallow shooter, which is basically a gun that shoots marshmallows up to 30 feet. I suppose it’s cool, but I don’t think it’s really enough. Hitting someone with a marshmallow just seems sort of pussy. For crap sake, I remember one Christmas, my friends and I got BB guns that would shoot BBs a couple hundred feet, and nobody lost an eye or anything. A dangerous Christmas is a fun Christmas, guaranteed. I could really use some lawn darts, now that I think about it.

Those gifts would be nice, but if you’re buying me a gift, there’s really no need to go all out. A simple book is always a fine present so long as it’s something I’m interested in. For example, anything about the gunfighters of the Old West would be awesome. Anything that involves Oprah Winfrey would not be.

Liquor is also a lovely gift. If nothing else, it’s something you know I’ll use. It’s a great way to usher in the holidays, sitting back on the couch and enjoying a nice glass of Scotch. The biggest problem with giving this sort of gift to me is that there’s always a chance I’ll drink the whole bottle at once, get all misty-eyed and call the giver of the gift at two in the morning to explain how appreciative I am. I usually don’t call collect, but it’s still not all that special.

When it’s all said and done, I don’t really need anything at all, and that’s likely the reason I’m excited about all these Christmas presents. People don’t really want to get things they need for Christmas. If they did, gifts of vegetables, home gyms and house payments would be flying off the shelves of the stores. No matter how old I get, I’m still essentially a child. I want something I can play with for a day or two and then forget. When I think about it, it’s a good thing I don’t have to buy gifts for myself. It might be tougher than I ever imagined.