Apparently, our economy is going in the crapper. I know that was a little abrupt, and I hate to spring it on you like that, but apparently, it’s true. I don’t know, you’d think you’d hear something about it on the news or something, but evidently, they’re trying to keep a lid on it. Just in case you’re an idiot, I’m obviously trying to make a joke about something that really isn’t all that funny. You know, like usual. We’ve been warned repeatedly that our nation’s economy is going to get worse before it gets better, and you just get the general sense that everyone is being a little more conservative with their money ... if they still have any left. Regardless, there are a few things we’re not quite ready to give up just yet.

I mean, we are still spending, but it’s just a little different. In December, we pried about 343 billion dollars from our tight little fists, but it doesn’t appear it was for the usual stuff like diamond-encrusted spoons or shoehorns made of solid gold. Instead, it was for stuff we still needed or at least thought we did. Forbes Magazine put out a list the other day that talked about the not-quite necessities that we’re still purchasing, and looking at it makes me feel like we aren’t quite there yet as far as hitting rock bottom goes.

The first thing they talked about was personal care products. Sales have risen in the last year on purchases such as shampoo, acne treatments and general grooming items. We may be going to hell in a handbasket, but we’re still going to look pretty awesome once we get there. It sort of makes sense though; if you can’t really afford to go out and do anything, you might as well do some personal rehab so you’ll look good the next time you do get out of the house for some fun. This should be five or 10 years from now, depending on whom you ask. If nothing else, we’ll have far more attractive Hoovervilles than they had back in the 1930s.

Along the same lines, gym memberships have gone up about four percent from last year. Well, I suppose I can see that. It’s a marginally fun activity that at least gets a person out of the house and around other people. Hell, I’m one lazy bastard, and I’m going more than I used to. My thinking is that if things get really bad and I have to start stealing food, I want to be as fast and strong as possible for my getaways.

After that, it gets a little trickier. We’re still buying smartphones out the ying-yang. I’m sure we’ll find them very comforting when we’re all huddled in a cardboard box in an alley sometime in the near future. “Oh, look at this, here’s another fun restaurant we could be going to if we had any sort of money. Hey, let’s all guess what the tip would be for an imaginary bill of $127! Oh, wait, my phone totally does that for me. I’m so glad I have this smart bastard. Can somebody please pass me the gruel?”

We’re also still shelling out the cash for video games and consoles. It’s strange — for the first time in a long time, gaming doesn’t seem quite as ridiculous to me as it once did. It keeps me amused, I can do it for hours on end and it’s actually a pretty reasonably priced alternative to most of my other vices. If nothing else, it’s just nice to have my wrist hurt for a different reason than usual.

In fact, I could really see video games advancing in a different direction if the economic downslide continues. Instead of these far-fetched plots about saving the world, they could make them about complete fantasy. For example, you could portray a character who has a house and a car and a job. You’ll maneuver this character as he does things such as go to work or have a nice meal at a restaurant or even pay his mortgage. It might not sound that exciting now, but just wait until you haven’t done any of that for awhile. It’ll seem like Halo.

Some of the other things we’re still paying for are getting pretty close to necessities. We continue to pay for car maintenance. It’s nice to have transportation ready in case we decide not to do something later. We also still seem to be buying toys for our kids. That’s nice, but a smarter idea might be to convince your children that a sewing machine is a sort of toy. That way, they’ll have a big fat smile on their face in a couple of years when they’re making Nikes for kids living in other countries.

I suppose it’s nice we’re at least able to still buy some things, though. Either way, that part about it getting worse down the road makes it all seem a little scary, especially if all these kinds of purchases are suddenly out of our grasp. Have people actually been able to live without gym memberships and smartphones and video games in the past? Oh yeah, I guess they have. Our ancestors somehow managed to forge ahead without those sorts of things. I suppose it probably even makes you a better person or something. I gotta say, though, it really doesn’t strike me as all that much fun.