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• Music to add to your bucket list

I never really shop much online. You would assume a lazy person, such as me, would relish the opportunity to sit on his ass, click a few buttons and simply wait until the order arrived. In reality, I suppose I sort of miss the thrill of the hunt. I like to leave the house and come home with something in my hand ... something I don’t really need in my hand. I do enjoy looking around for things online, though. It’s often a good way to find useful information or even to just kill time because I sadly have nothing better to do. The words are often nice to read, but the problem is I’m not sure they’re helping me all that much.

The latest case in point is a little list I ran across last week. I was looking through music releases, and I found a list of the 10 albums I need to hear before I die. I took a peek, but I was a bit apprehensive. They almost made it sound as if I would perish the moment I had actually heard all 10 albums. Geez Louise, maybe I was already dead and didn’t even know it, you know, like those movies I never really understood like The Sixth Sense. Had I heard all 10 albums? Was I still alive? I didn’t care much either way, but I decided to find out anyway.

The list struck me as sort of obvious, incorrect and pathetically uncool most of the way through. Maybe it’s best if I go through it and explain.

The first album they listed was Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd. Whatever. I’m sure it’s great, and I’m sure I listened to it a ton when I was in high school and full of THC, but it does not do one damned thing for me these days. If I were in high school today, I’d be spinning some Spiritualized when I was in that condition. I’m sure Pink Floyd made them possible and all, but do you want cool music or a freaking history lesson?

The next album on the list was U2’s Joshua Tree. I suppose it’s a really good album, but honestly, I bet I’ve never listened to it more than twice. It’s not U2’s fault. I really liked their first two records, but then I just sort of wrote them off. I imagine it was just my music snobbery at that particular time more than Joshua Tree. If everyone else thought it was great, I’m sure I had no use for it. Even without the snobbery, I can still name 100 records that are better than that.

Next up was Michael Jackson’s Thriller. OK, he’s a freak, but that is a pretty fine album. It’s all dancey and sexy, and if I didn’t believe he was probably directing all his crazy sexuality toward 8-year-olds, I would probably be on board with this being on the list. I can’t say the same for the next choice, True Blue by Madonna. Being a straight, non-dancing kind of a fella, I really have no use for her, her antics or her little records of crap that she whores around. It’s all about as important to me as a piece of bubble gum I chewed in second grade.

Next is Public Enemy’s It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back. OK, I’m on board with this one 100 percent, and if you only know Flav from his recent work, it’d probably be a fine idea to see how awesome he and his bandmates used to be. I also sort of have to agree with the next choice of Billy Joel’s The Stranger. These two records couldn’t really be further apart, but they are both amazing and worth your time. The difference is I’ll still listen to Public Enemy, and Billy Joel just seems like sort of a joke ... you know because he sort of is.

Pet Sounds by the Beach Boys is also pretty amazing. It’s even better if you read Brian Wilson’s autobiography Wouldn’t It Be Nice before and after you listen to it. After all these years, it still sounds phenomenal. Bob Dylan’s Highway 61 Revisited still sounds great, too. He’s all electric for the first time and all good. It’s so good, I’m sort of surprised it’s on the list, actually.

Prince’s Purple Rain is on the list as well. I’m not sure it’s my favorite record of his, but I have to admit, I love the guy and just about everything he does. In fact, it might not be a bad idea to listen to everything he’s ever done. Come to think of it, let’s do that for Bob Dylan, too. Just listen to everything.

The last album is the Beatles’ White Album. Man, I don’t know, everyone always thinks I’m a moron, but I never cared for those boys all that much. Everyone says they’re great, and I’m sure everyone is probably smarter than me, but I really don’t get all the fuss. I’d much rather listen to an old Faces record.

So, as lists go, this one seems pretty crappy. I really thought four albums actually belonged on there, and the rest just seem like the status quo, which is never really all that special. Maybe someday soon I’ll do my list of the top 10 albums, and someone else can rip me to shreds. Honestly, it’s the only way I’ll ever learn.