• the217
• Life
• Man up to being your own man in bed

Related Media

Sex 411:
Katz, J. The Macho Paradox
Hugo Schwyzer’s blog — http://www.hugoschwyzer.net
Mark Anthony Neal’s blog — http://www.newblackman.blogspot.com
Zilbergeld, B. The New Male Sexuality

I was wondering if you have any suggestions for me. I have trouble pinning down a healthy concept of masculinity. From a young age, I felt like I was told that men’s wants and desires were inherently damaging to women and so my desires were dangerous. [Do] you [have] any thoughts on books or other resources for me or some things I could do to try to counter this discomfort with my own masculinity[?]

­— Questioning Masculinity

Dear QM,

Thank you for writing to us. What you are struggling with is quite normal. Figuring out our gender and how we want to be sexually is actually a more difficult process than we think. To really get to the heart of your question, we need to step back and take a look at what it really means to be a “man.”

Manly Man

Gender is both our internal sense of identity, and our external performance of that identity. We pick up our ideas about gender from many different places — our family, the media, our friends or religion — all of which tell us a little bit about how we should be as men (masculine) or women (feminine).

Masculinity specifically gets defined in some very narrow ways. We have facilitated an exercise where groups brainstorm about what it means to “be a man.” The groups generate a list of terms like tough, in control, stoic, provider, independent and a player. When they discuss what happens to men when they don’t fit into this list, they talk about men being called names, ostracized and even beat up. Many men may find themselves engaging in these behaviors as a way to prove their manhood, even if they struggle with this traditional definition of masculinity.

There isn’t anything set in stone about this act of “being a man.” In fact, most men do not fit into these qualities, and no one can, all of the time. But the mythology is that there are some men who are “real men,” and this pressures all men to act like this.

Men in Bed

Let’s look at how traditional masculinity can get played out in sexual relationships. If a man is supposed to be in control, he may feel like he needs to know what he’s doing sexually. If he’s supposed to be stoic, he may not be in touch with his feelings or even the sensations he’s experiencing. If he’s supposed to be a player, he may feel like he shouldn’t be concerned about his partner so much as the sexual conquest. Also, this performance doesn’t leave much room for talking about what feels good, learning what a partner likes and growing as a lover.

We also know that men commit the majority of sexual violence, harassment and dating violence. We can see how if men are supposed to be aggressive and in charge, sexual violence might be a logical conclusion for some men. Most men do not commit this violence, though, and many men abhor that these acts are committed by their gender.

Dropping Out

For some men, recognizing the negatives of being a “real man” may make them ambivalent about their gender and uncertain how they can be men in healthy ways. It sounds like you may be feeling this. It is one thing to recognize the ways that masculinity can be unhealthy, but it’s a different thing to redefine and reclaim our own gender.

Rather than getting bogged down by guilt ­— which is often paralyzing and unhelpful — we can begin to celebrate our sexual desires. Men’s desires aren’t unhealthy or dangerous; they are part of who we are. By accepting these feelings, we can also start to make sense of where they came from and if we’d like to act upon them.

Being a New Man

To work on this, the first step is acknowledging that the way you were taught to be a man may not be the man you hoped to be. The second step is to examine what aspects of masculinity you want to redefine for yourself. This is uncharted territory; we have to figure out ways to accept ourselves in spite of (rather than with the help of) the messages we’ve received. It’s easy to feel alone because you probably haven’t heard many men talk about this struggle, even though most men have probably felt uncomfortable with masculinity. Educating yourself can help further this journey.

Give yourself permission to feel your attractions and fantasies. As you explore being a man on your own terms, you may begin letting go of control and become vulnerable. This can be frightening, but it can also be incredibly rewarding.

Stay tuned until next week as we open up to fisting.