There’s an old picture of me that makes me smile. I’m standing in the middle of the gravel road in front of our house. I’m wearing a baseball uniform, holding a bat in a completely improper way, and looking as tough as a six year old can manage. Actually, I look about as threatening as a zebra in a cheetah factory, but whatever. The picture was taken right before my first little league game. I was a talentless catcher and an inept right fielder on the Pee Wee Cardinals ... you know, back when such a thing wasn’t illegal.

In possibly the most ridiculous move since the advent of the designated hitter, Major League Baseball has decided to crack down on all those greedy, money grubbing little league teams that have the audacity to steal the mascots and logos of the financially challenged MLB. Geez Louise, with all of the money the big leagues are bleeding because of this copyright infringement, they may not be able to pay all of their players thirty million dollars a piece in the future.

The Tinley Park Bulldogs felt the wrath recently when the MLB said their organization had to drop the big league names from their uniforms or face a lawsuit. They insisted that unless the uniforms featured an official major league team logo bought from the official company that supplies them, all of the Bulldog teams were in copyright violation. Oh, they’re more than welcome to buy from the official major league supplier. It’s just that it’s a little more expensive than the other places.

Also, apparently you can’t just be the Cardinals anymore ... or the Phillies or the Royals or the Cubs ... MLB has trademarked all of those names. I sort of understand their position in playing hardball with these children. How dare those little bastards who buy gloves, bats, balls, starter gear and attend games think they can pretend to be big leaguers. The kids shouldn’t be surprised really, as Major League Baseball really seems to be focusing on screwing them at every turn.

I’d love to sit in on a marketing meeting with those freaking nimrods. “Let’s see, this is essentially a kid’s game, so we need to think of as many ways as possible to alienate them as possible. First off, let’s jack up the ticket prices so their parents can only afford to take them to one or two games a year. Oh, and be sure everything from parking to hot dogs to souvenirs will cost them an arm and a leg once they get here. That’ll teach ‘em to be loyal to our sport.”

“Also, once the playoffs begin, let’s schedule as many games as possible for late in the evening so most of the little bastards will have to be in bed before the game’s over. If we do this right, no child will be watching us by the year 2010. OK guys, let’s get out there and treat some kids like shit!”

I’m truly beginning to hate the organization as much as I love the game. I understand turning a profit, yet I also understand greed and arrogance. They pretend to lament that inner city kids, and most kids in general, in the US are drifting away from our nation’s pastime. They spend millions of dollars building baseball academies in Central America and manage to overlook that all of the fields in our own country are vacant most of the time. They market grossly overpaid athletes to a generation of kids that can’t even afford to see them in person or purchase one of their autographs.

They turn a blind eye to steroid use in their league right up until Congress decides to get involved. Suddenly they become extremely righteous on the subject. Now, they think it’s enough to litter every broadcast with public service announcements telling our youth how dangerous steroids are. It’s strange how this didn’t bother them quite as much when half of their players had a noggin that made the bobblehead figures look like an actual replica. It’s a fine lesson. Steroids are OK ... until Johnny Law gets involved.

After all their bullshit, they now deem it necessary to enforce copyright laws against the ever dwindling youth leagues. Did they change their slogan to “Baseball ... Be Greedy and Petty” when I wasn’t paying attention? Kids want to wear uniforms named after their favorite teams. They want to hit a ball and pretend they are Albert Pujols. They want to strike out the side and walk to the dugout like Josh Beckett. They want to do whatever kids for generations before them have done. The problem is they just can’t afford it anymore.

The stupidity of this whole situation is really answered with a question. What the piss does the MLB think they are going to gain from all this? Are these little league organizations so wealthy that they want to knock them down a few pegs? Isn’t it sort of that whole ‘blood from a turnip thing’? I’m sure the little leagues will begin using non-copywritten names like the sparrows and the gophers, but I have another idea. Maybe they should begin to name their teams after the MLB owners who allow this to go on. They could name themselves the Rat Bastards, the Douche Bags or the Heartless Dickheads. I’m sure those names are probably copywritten as well. I think the owners already know what they are. The problem is they just don’t seem to care.