I went for a little walk on Sunday evening, and it reminded me of just how beautiful this time of year actually is. It was just cold enough to pull up the hood on my sweatshirt, but it was far from that upcoming sort of cold that chaps your face the first two seconds you’re outside. I could smell fire pits, fireplaces and possibly a few unruly folks burning leaves, you know, like people used to do before it became the crime of the century. It’s just that wonderful time of year when I don’t quite fear winter’s wrath and the heat of summer still sounds unpleasant. I also felt like I was ahead of the game since I’d already had my first sickness of the year.

This particular sickness was some sort of sinus infection that involved a crazy headache, facial puffiness and wads of snot the size of tennis balls leaving my nose at five-minute intervals for about five days in a row. It was pretty much what a person should expect from an illness except this one came with its own sequel attached. I was sick, then for some reason thought I was just fine and then got sick again. Here’s a simple reminder: The absolute second you begin to feel better is not the absolute second you should reach for the Absolut bottle.

For some reason, I have this romanticized notion of sickness. I see myself lying on the couch all covered up, sipping 7-Up and slurping chicken soup, watching old movies all damned day. It sounds awesome because I always forget about the coughing, nose blowing, fever and general malaise. Right now, the bad parts of sick are fresh in my mind, and I’m pitifully vowing never to get ill again. In fact, I even looked up some tips to make this happen.

The No. 1 tip is to wash your hands. Well, fine, that seems like pretty good advice, doesn’t it? When I really think about it, though, it seems like I should really wash everyone else’s hands. I know where my hands have been, and if it’s somewhere nasty, I’m scrubbing them like crazy. The problem is all those door handles, tables and glassware that other people are touching with their vile little hands. Outside of drinking, I’m fairly sure I’ve never actually gotten myself sick. It’s really those other bastards that need to mind their hands.

Another tip is to not cover up your sneezes and coughs with your hands. I should quickly point out this doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be covered at all, so let’s not all just start spraying stuff around willy-nilly. It means use a tissue to cover it, and then throw it away immediately. If for some reason you don’t have a tissue, feel free to use the shirttail of the person standing nearest you. If no one is around, sneeze on the nearest doorknob.

It’s also never a good idea to touch your face. Most viruses enter through the eyes, nose or mouth, so don’t even scratch your nose or brush away an eyelash. In fact, what might be a fine idea during the cold and flu season is to take a plastic bag and wrap it snuggly around your head, sealing it tightly at your neck with a rubber band. It’s uncomfortable at first, but this will keep you from contracting a virus from your face. It will also prevent your dumb ass from sneezing on a door knob that I’ll touch later.

It’s also a good idea to drink plenty of fluids. As I painfully found out last week, liquor is not considered a fluid in this particular instance ... even if it happens to have juice mixed in with it. They say you should have at least eight, eight oz. glasses of water a day. Another way to tell if you’re getting enough water is to make sure your urine is clear. If it is, you may then feel free to wipe your hand on the doorknob each of the 20 times you leave the restroom that day.

Lastly, they say it’s just a good idea to relax. OK, fine advice, but relaxing would be a hell of a lot easier to do if there weren’t all these damned viruses floating around all the time. Anyway, there’s evidence that if you can teach yourself to relax, you can activate your immune system on demand. They say you should train yourself to picture an image you find relaxing, and then think of this for 30 minutes a day for several months.

Whatever, dudes. I’m not sure just how much time these freaking doctors think I have to spare, but sitting down and relaxing for 30 minutes a day really doesn’t fit in with my schedule, especially if I’m peeing and washing my hands all the time.

I’m sure most of these tips were sort of common sense, but then again, like they say, that sort of sense ain’t all that common anymore. If you do find yourself ill, just suck it up and stay the hell away from the rest of us. There’s no reason to be a hero this time of year, so instead, be a martyr. Keep your ass home, and call the rest of us every 20 minutes or so to tell us how bad you’re feeling. You’ll get tons of much-needed sympathy, and maybe everyone else can stop washing their hands all the damned time.