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Sometimes, sex gets talked about like everybody is doing it. Because of the ways sex is shown in the media and discussed among friends, there may be an idea about the amount and type of sex that people around us are having. “Doin’ It Well” wanted to explore for a moment if people are really having the kind of sex we assume.

Doing It

Most college students are having sex, but probably not to the extreme that one might think. In the National College Health Assessment study, they reported that in the past 30 days, approximately 40 percent of college students had engaged in oral sex or vaginal sex, and less than 5 percent had engaged in anal sex. About one-third of the college students had never engaged in oral or anal sex, and the remainder (25 percent) did not have sex in the past month.

This means a significant percentage of college students are not having sex — not in the past month and perhaps not at all.

Being “Active”

In the movie Juno, the main character said, “I hate it when adults use the term ‘sexually active.’ What does it even mean? Am I gonna, like, deactivate some day, or is it a permanent state of being?” Juno raises a really important question: If you’ve been sexual with another person at one point in time, does that mean you’re forever labeled as sexually active?

As a term, “sexually active” has its limits. Although it is usually used to mark those who are currently having sex (whatever that means) from those who are not, this term may not clarify how and how often “sexually active” individuals are doing it. For instance, does this include anal and oral sex? (Sometimes.) And is it a “permanent state” like Juno asks?

This is why some researchers ask about sexual activity over a certain period of time. For instance, the National College Health Assessment asked about sexual activity over the last 12 months and 30 days. In this study, about 34 percent of students reported zero sexual partners in the past 12 months. For those who had one or more sexual partners, two sexual partners in the past year was the average.

Jump to Conclusions

Another study on college campuses looked at the reported sexual behaviors and compared it with the estimated sexual behaviors of their peers. Not surprisingly, the study found that college students overestimated the number of sexual partners and level of sexual activity of their fellow college students. The conclusion was that when we think that our peers are having more sex than we are, we may feel more pressure to have sex.

Because of the assumption that sex (i.e., penetrative, usually penis-vagina) is the norm for college students, those who are not having sex may feel abnormal or strange. But this doesn’t mean that those students who reported never having sex were not engaging in other sexual activities such as kissing or masturbation. Being sexually “active” — alone or with a partner ­— can mean almost anything we can imagine. And because we are sexual beings, even abstaining from sexual activity is a sexual decision.

Weirdo Virgins

People who have not had sex get labeled abnormal by their peers. Just think about movies such as 40-Year-Old Virgin and we see the ways our society may see people who have not had sex yet. Similarly, we are fascinated by people who have “too much” sex. But this is a limited way of viewing sex. If we see sexuality as something that develops over our lifetime, it doesn’t really matter when it happens; everyone will have their own journey.

We need to make room for all sexual expressions and support this spectrum among our friends and peers. Rather than placing the focus on having (penetrative) sex, think about all the ways we can express our sexual attraction (like kissing) or reasons we may choose not to. Both of us have talked to college students who haven’t felt like they could be honest with their friends about the sex they weren’t having (often by choice) because, especially among men, they didn’t feel supported in those decisions. Women, too, are judged for not being sexual enough by their female peers but often face additional judgment when they cross the subjective line of “too sexual.”

Because our peers shape the ways we view the sex that’s “OK,” we have to make a safe place for our friends to talk about their sexual behaviors without assuming that they are or aren’t having sex. This also requires us to hold off on pressuring others to engage or not engage in behaviors we think they should. This includes the ways we call people’s femininity, masculinity and desirability into question if they are acting in ways other than we think they should.

And for ourselves, the decision to have sex is a complex one, but it’s one we should make on our own, not just because other people may be doing it.