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• Introducing your sexuality to your Ma and Pa

“Dear Kim & Ross;

My sexuality is a really big part of who I am. I feel like since my parents do not know me in that way, they don’t really know me. How can I express my sensual side without it getting creepy?”

Thanks for the great question! As we grow out of childhood, it can be hard for both us and our parents to realize we are sexual beings. It sounds like you have already successfully tackled the former and now want to be more authentic with your folks. Here are some of our thoughts.

What Should They Know?

It sounds like there may be certain aspects of your sexuality that - if revealed to your parents - would make you feel more known to them. What do you want them to know more about to better understand you? Your sexual orientation? Gender identity? Relationship status, trials or celebrations? Political views? Sexual feelings, questions or values? Once you have figured out what you want to share, it may be helpful to start with one topic at a time.

For example, if you want them to learn more about your gender identity, maybe you can start expressing your gender differently in front of them. If they ask questions or comment on how you look, you can then start a conversation about the outfit, hairstyle, etc. you chose and how these and other things are tied to your gender expression. Keep in mind that when folks have never explored topics like gender and sexuality, it may be a confusing or difficult conversation to have. Give them time to allow these new topics to sink in.

Your Emergence

It can be helpful to consider that moving to a more authentic self in front of your parents is a process; you can slowly emerge from a cocoon, assessing along the way reactions from them and yourself. On the other hand, some people feel the need for a radical transformation; they start acting, dressing, talking and expressing themselves differently in front of their parents. We can’t say which approach is best suited for you, but making a pros and cons list - while also realizing there may be options in between these two approaches - may be helpful.

The Talk

It can be a struggle to decide what information feels comfortable to share, while also recognizing that your parents don’t need to have access to every aspect of your private world. And, you might not want them to know everything; sometimes thicker boundaries can be beneficial. Remember that the more your folks know, the more they can comment, ask questions and be involved in your “intimate” life.

Consider how you think they might respond. Will your parents provide support, caring and nurturing? Or, will they judge you or try to change your behaviors and beliefs? Sometimes we may hold onto our parents as nurturing protectors and are left feeling hurt, disappointed and confused when they do not give us the response we needed or expected. Remember, if you are feeling hesitant to talk to your parents about sexuality, it’s probably safe to assume that they are not the most comfortable, either.

Finding an Opening

Recently, Kim’s mother shared with her that she had seen the movies Milk and The Reader. This opened the door to talk about the content of the movies, from LGBT rights to religion & sexuality, age of consent, and how society has changed with respect to sexuality in both positive and detrimental ways. Sometimes, it’s easier to talk in the “hypothetical” first; discussing a show or newspaper article can give you a sense of how they might respond and increase comfort levels all around.

Parents of Choice

If you are looking for trusted adults to talk about these issues with, turn to friends; those you are close to who are also a little older can share their sage wisdom with you!

Although they might be difficult, these conversations can improve our relationships with our parents, allowing them to know who we are more fully.

Next week we’ll be introducing our new co-author and talking about keeping a rectum clean.