I read an article the other day about our nation’s prison system and I’ll be honest, it really didn’t sound all that promising. A pretty big percentage of our population is already in the pokey and that number appears as though it will keep growing. Oh, I could give you stats and figures and maybe even ideas that could lower the prison population, but I sort of misplaced the article and that really seems like a lot of work. Instead, I think it’s easier if we all just give up. There comes a time when you just have to cut bait and accept an uneasy future.

Since it seems like everyone’s going to prison these days, it occurred to me that we may not be educating the population with their future in mind. Sure, we could teach all the future convicts a skill, give them a little education and hope, but that really strikes me as a waste of time. The prisons are going to continue to be crowded and if that many folks are ending up there, it would probably be wiser just to prepare them for the life they are going to have, not the American pipe dream we’ve all had stuffed down our throats for the past couple hundred years. Let’s just face reality and give them classes they can use. This is just a small part of the curriculum I’ve constructed.

So this is the Penal System! 101 — Introduction to Incarceration. This should be a requirement for every student and they could probably teach this as early as junior high. It’s basically what it sounds like, a general overview of your impending incarceration. What kind of beating can I expect the first day? Is taking a shower really as dangerous as it sounds? Is the laundry room the right career path for me? All of these topics and many others will be covered in this introductory class to prepare anyone for prison.

Sure, all of the students that are forced to take this class might not end up in jail, but there’s a pretty good chance several of them will at least end up in the county lock-up for a day or two, if not full-on prison, so they should be prepared. There are a lot of kids who don’t really use math either, but they have to take the class just the same.

What’s Got that Toilet Smelling So Good 204 — Introduction to Single-Bowl Cooking. As we all know, those prison rations don’t really hit the spot every day, so it’s a good idea to have a supplemental meal every now and then. This course will show you how your toilet isn’t just for crapping anymore. Learn how to mix up a tasty stew, a festive spiced bread, or even some octane wine all in your commode. There is a small lab fee that will cover plastic bags, fermented fruit and a bag of anti-bacterial sponges.

Shanks for the Memories 208 — Prison Weapons: how to build, use and hide them. This will teach necessary skills for any future inmates who plan to not just survive, but also thrive, in the fast-paced world of homemade weapons. From carving a stabbing device out of a toothbrush, to making the most out of a bar of soap, to such refined skills as creating a zip gun from odds and ends around your cell, this course will prepare any future inmate to rule the roost with technology.

The Merry Old Land of Oz 307 — The Portrayal of Inmates in Cinema. Sure, survival and sanity are important when it comes to prison, but it’s also important not to let your love of the arts lapse. Discover if the hipness of Cool Hand Luke is still relevant in today’s dwindling work farm environment, learn why Shawshank Redemption actually makes prison seem more fun than it actually is and find out why there’s a little bit of the gritty series, Oz, in your everyday life. There will be many films shown in a darkened room, so any inmate caught shiving someone else will be harshly reprimanded.

Let’s Share a Cell Together 405 — The Ins and Outs of Your Current Bitch. Whether a relationship is going to be five to seven years or three or four lifetimes, it’s as important to know your partner in the big house as it is out of it. No one wants to be traded for three cartons of cigarettes, but if that day comes, how will you react emotionally? This workshop-based course will include role-playing, advanced techniques and several field trips all designed to help convicts flesh out what is expected of them, and what they can expect, in an inmate on inmate type of bonding.

I know these classes probably sound extreme when you first glance at them, but they do all make sense in a backhanded sort of way. If we aren’t going to teach people how to excel in the outside world, we might as well begin teaching them how to excel in the world they’re likely to end up in. Who knows, maybe someday a child can head off to school knowing that he will be able to major in being incarcerated, with a minor in happiness. A framed degree always looks nice on the wall of a prison cell. The real problem is keeping the other inmates from stealing it.