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• I don’t know dick ...

I don’t know dick about fashion. I know this because at least two or three times a week someone in the community points this out to me. They must think I don’t have a mirror or something. I don’t really see the point of stating the obvious. It’s like telling Britney Spears she may have a problem. She probably knows but she still leaves the house just the same. Fashion and good sense just seem to escape some folks. Sadly in my case, they both generally escape me at the same time.

In all fairness to me, the lack of fashion seems to run in the family. Fortunately, it’s been pretty much contained to the male members. I come from a long line of guys who wear khakis pretty much every day, not the Dockers kind, but the old school work kind. My dad broke this trend and mostly wears jeans. His biggest fashion worry now is finding a pair of pants that will rise above his ever lengthening butt crack. So, I got my lack of fashion honestly. The only way my clothes could possibly look good on a regular basis is if I constantly stood beside a clown, Kid Rock, and a color blind man with a hankering for tube tops.

I recently read an article that was written to help the clothing challenged amongst us, especially those men who are getting too old to look hip anymore. That sort of thing seemed like it should be worth my time. It really wasn’t, but whatever ...

The first tip is to avoid fads. See, that really makes sense. The thought is that older fellas should find a look that is timeless.

I’ve dressed pretty much the same way since grade school, but I’m fairly sure that’s not really what they’re talking about. They just mean dress appropriately for your age. If seeing an old guy in baggy assed jeans doesn’t convince you that fads shouldn’t be followed, find an old picture of your father in a leisure suit. You’ll be on board with this idea in about a millisecond.

They also suggest to leave the past behind. Oh sure, fashion tends to be cyclical, but it’s still not a good idea to keep a closet full of stupid clothes in the hopes that they will eventually come back in style. There may be a day when the young kids are wearing “I’m with Stupid” t-shirts, suspenders, and string ties, but if you’ve been fortunate enough to live through such trends once in your life, consider yourself blessed and move on, knowing deep in your heart that you’re much better off.

Don’t mistake business attire for stylish attire. I don’t have either of those attires, but I know what they mean. Just because you look fine with your work clothes on, it doesn’t mean you will also look nice at the local watering hole much later in the evening in the same outfit. This only makes it appear that you’ve been drinking for several hours without going home. This is probably the case, but it’s best not to announce it in such an obvious way.

This is why ball players take off their uniforms after the game. It should, however, be pointed out that this author believes it’s totally appropriate to wear your uniform out to the bar after a beer league softball game. It’s not like there are really locker rooms to change in to begin with and it’s also just plain fun to dress up like a ball player ... whether you actually are or not.

They say it’s also best to keep it simple. Whoo hoo, I totally do that. Any sort of pattern on my shirt is usually a direct result of a food stain, so my shit is unbelievably simple. It gets trickier when they add it should also be clean, you know, pressed and proper with sharp edges. Wow, I totally don’t do that. The closest I get is hanging a shirt in the bathroom when I take a hot shower, and trust me, all that really does is make my t-shirt feel damp. An iron should be used only in a hotel room if you have to make emergency grilled cheese sandwiches.

This rule wasn’t on the list, but it’s probably not a swell idea to wear clothes based on superstition. Just because your team always seems to win when you’re wearing your favorite blue sweater, it doesn’t mean you have to wear it every time your team plays. Actually, that is sort of what it means to me, but come on, you’re better than that. I’m sure they’re all fine tips and I’m also sure I won’t follow any of them. I’ve found a comfort level with my wardrobe that I’m fine with. I’ve also learned to accept the occasional mocking so it seems like a waste to abandon the plan now. Sure, paper clips probably shouldn’t be used as cuff links, but I think I should just continue to accept what I actually am at this point: fashion impaired.

I’m not sure if the man makes the clothes or vice versa. I do know that once an article of clothing is placed on my body, it immediately begins to wrinkle uncontrollably. It’s probably best to leave well enough alone.