• the217
• Life
• How about a smile?

As Americans, there are just some things most of us don’t like all that much. Of course, I’m speaking in gross (and possibly quite incorrect) generalities here, but I think there’s something to it. We don’t like vegetables. Sure, we may like them as a side dish or as something to snack on, but as far as entrees go, it seems we’d really prefer something that has given its life for us. We don’t much care for soccer either. Oh, we like it better than all of the other sports without a ball, but it’s still low on the list, far past football, baseball and basketball. I mean, you’ve got arms, freaking use them once in awhile. Most of all, though, we don’t care for France. Sure, someday we may all enjoy a tofu steak while watching a soccer game, but my guess is that even then, we still won’t like France.

I don’t care much either way, even if I’m wrong about this assumption, and I’m also fairly sure that as a country, we don’t hold the patent on not caring for the French. There’s just something about them, whether it’s real or perceived, that rubs us the wrong way. In a sense, it almost seems unfair to them. They helped us win our independence from England, which was sort of sweet. They gave us Edith Piaf, Catherine Deneuve, the Statue of Liberty and that smoking hot chick from Amelie, which was not a complete rat bastard thing to do as a country. They also gave us the bicycle, the pencil and pasteurized milk. Still, for some reason, it’s hard to even say “France” without spitting on the ground first. I can only assume they do the same thing when America is mentioned.

On the other hand, the French gave us Jean-Luc Godard, a wonderful filmmaker whose work I hope to never have to sit through again. They also like Jerry Lewis, which is sort of unforgivable, even though he’s an American. Besides that, they were sort of candy asses in World War II. Geez Louise, as a country, the United States prefers Paris Hilton to Paris, France, and it’s not even that close. There are countless other things about them that piss us off — at least I think there are, even though I can’t think of all that many right now. Essentially, it comes down to us thinking that they think they are better than we are. We think they are rude and self-important. This is because they are.

It’s because of all this that it’s nice to see them get a tad bit of comeuppance. The Paris tourist board has finally made a simple request of their citizens: Start smiling, you grouchy bastards. Paris is experiencing a significant fall in tourism due to the financial crisis and also because they have a reputation of being unfriendly. Visitors to the city are down 17 percent from this time last year, so they think it’s finally time to turn that frown upside down. After all, just because they invented the word “douche” doesn’t necessarily mean they have to act like one all the damned time.

I’m not sure it’s as simple as all that, though. Sure, a smile is nice, but you’ve got to be really careful you’re not pushing that smile through a wall of grinding teeth. Smiling at foreigners may simply just not be in their DNA. In all fairness, I’m sure there are genuinely happy people in France. I’m also fairly sure they are kept underground and out of the sight of the general public. Trying to get a whole city like Paris to smile is like trying to get a dog to eat an oyster: It’s probably going to be messy, and it’s also not going to end especially well.

I suppose we should give them credit for at least trying. They finally want us to like them, but only so they can take a large chunk of our money out of our hands. The plan seems to lack a certain amount of sincerity, but that’s probably only because their reputation precedes them.

They’ve even gone so far as to have “smile ambassadors” set up outside of popular tourists spots. I bet those poor bastards are sticking out like a sore thumb already. My guess is that this is considered the worst occupation in all of France — the American equivalent of a crack whore. They also had hundreds of roller skaters form a smile in Place Vendome. Man, if you think we dislike you all now, keep doing shit like that and you’ll soon find out how much venom we can actually muster. Phony bastards.

When it’s all said and done, it’s all really just another reason to hate the French. Not only are they rude, but now they’re all phony about it, too. I suppose they can’t really win no matter what they do. Fortunately for them, not winning is something they are very accustomed to. I think I’d personally like them better if they were just genuine. At least then you’d know where you stand. I doubt we’ll like them much either way, though. Like that one fella said, “One may smile and smile and still be a villain.” If you can’t say that about the French, who can you really say it about?