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• He said/she said horror films: two opinions on the Friday the 13th remake.

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Friday the 13th

  MPAA Rating: R
Current Showtimes: No showtimes available

Sarah:

The newest in the onslaught of horror remakes, Friday the 13th was released on, lo and behold, this very Friday the 13th. Unfortunately, that's about where the intrigue ends. Dubbed with the title of the original, it's really more of a thinly veiled sequel and hardly what one would call a remake. The film rehashes the 1980 film during the opening credits, pausing now and then in the telling of the gruesome tale of the murderous Mrs. Voorhees to list the names of the producers, executive producers, stars and so forth, distracting the audience just enough to keep them from caring. Once the film jumps forward to "present day" it introduces the audience to the typical cast of stalker film stereotypes: the horny bad boy, the slutty girl, the nerdy friend, the boyfriend and of course, the survivor girl. Without giving too much away, the bloodbath that ensues all precedes the title screen. After which, it brings us to what the film would like us to believe is the real meat of the story.

Enter the new group of appropriately stereotyped characters (as seen mangled in the previous twenty minutes), add token-black-guy and asian-stoner to the mix with the curious stranger. The popular horror-audience's hunger for gore is, I believe, the reason for the early slaughter, but because of this there's even less time to develop this new group of characters and convince the audience to care about them. But the shock Friday the 13th goes for isn't the sheer terror the stalker was meant to inflict with the audience watching characters, or even just a single character, they've become invested in be terrorized by a nightmare. No, what seems to matter more is the ability of the deaths to turn one's stomach. We live in the era of torture porn and director Marcus Nispel knows it.

The film isn't all bad. There are lovely and disturbing glimpses of Jason's humanity such as his discovery of the hockey mask and a brief but surprisingly beautiful scene in which he takes a moment to admire his new face in a broken mirror. Another simple yet effective touch was the way that the mask's eye holes aren't the black holes they seem, but they show the killer's eyes and hint at the face beneath. Unfortunately, these touches barely add up to five minutes of film time. Jason remains an under-developed murdering machine and it isn't hard to guess who's next and who's going to deliver the snappy one-liner when he gets what's coming to him.

What's the real problem with this version of the classic slasher flick? The fact that the slasher is dead. New genres have arisen to take its place and the fact of the matter is that it’s getting harder and harder for audiences to take these films seriously. Some of them know it and they know it doesn't mean one can't have a good time and get the jumps, the gore, and the suspense they're looking for (the recent My Bloody Valentine 3D is a testament to this), but it does mean that the laughs are going to outweigh the fear. The laughs here sadly seem to be unintentional ones. The scenes obviously hoping for screams received snickers and even the downright belly laugh (even from yours truly) and while it managed to somewhat entertain; it almost begs the audience to dare today’s filmmakers to scare them.

An innovative death or two and the occasional well-placed jump keep the audience involved, just not for long. Even the abundance of bare breasts, and believe me, there is an abundance, can't save the film from mediocrity. In sticking to the rules and cliches of the classic stalker film, this "remake" doesn't seem to take into consideration the fact they're not scaring anyone. Worse yet, one wonders if they even care. Those seeking mild entertainment, blood, and a boob or six are sure to be satisfied while those, such as myself, begging to be scared would be better off re-watching the stalker film of all stalker films, Halloween. Sorry, Jason. Better luck next remake.

Andy:

When it comes to horror movie villains, Jason Voorhees is like the kid from high school who is pleasant and does nothing particularly wrong, yet still bores the life out of everyone within the near vicinity. Whereas Freddy’s got the personality and Michael the originality, Jason is just so…blasé. He wears a hockey mask. He slices up horny, drugged-out teenagers with a machete. He has mommy issues. Yawn. Now, after countless sequels to the 1980 original, we have the 2009 Michael Bay-produced reimagining of Friday the 13th. For those hoping that this film will breathe some fresh life into an increasingly ludicrous franchise (Jason’s last venture without Freddy was into space, in 2002’s awesomely campy Jason X), get ready to be bored all over again.

As a boy, Jason was neglected by all the counselors while at Camp Crystal Lake, and mommy was not happy about this. As anyone who has seen the original Friday the 13th or the opening scene of Scream knows, the killer in the original was mom, not Jason. Well, in this one mom bites the dust before the opening credits even finish rolling. Jason watches as his mother is beheaded by a Camp Crystal Lake counselor, and boy does this piss him off. As a result, he makes Camp Crystal Lake his home, and anyone unlucky enough to venture onto the grounds becomes prey. Enter not one but TWO groups of horny college kids, and it is slice and dice time. The story centers around a guy (Jared Padalecki) looking for his sister (Amanda Righetti), who has been kidnapped by Jason and chained to a bed, while a bunch of other good looking people are killed in various ways until the anti-climactic conclusion (involving probably the most disappointing use of a wood chipper this reviewer has ever seen). Names aren’t even necessary, as no characters really stand out.

The production is top notch. The look of the film is impressive, and the kills are all well-done. Director Marcus Nispel and production company Platinum Dunes were responsible for 2003’s remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, a film that was much more effective than this one. The major problem is that the film, like Jason himself, is boring. It’s a case of been there, done that, and thus no originality leads to no genuine scares or tension, even though everything looks great. It’s a by-the-numbers film that is utterly unnecessary. Whereas The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was successful in its tone, its entertaining villains, and its narrative creativity, Friday the 13th flounders in banality. Still, the film will please those looking for a mindless few hours at the movies, yet it is hard to recommend something that so forcefully squanders its already-limited potential. Jason will surely be back soon, and so will the yawns of horror fans who crave something new. Freddy, we all miss you.