• the217
• Life
• Having fun with flirting

Flirting. Everyone does it. Some people are good at it. Some people are oblivious to it. And many of us are somewhere in between. But there is a lot of pressure to flirt “correctly” to attract a one-night stand or Mr./Ms. Right. We recently heard someone comment that some of the more detailed sexual behaviors we talk about in the column are great, but that they needed to know if someone was flirting with them first! Definitely, flirting is a key part of social and intimate interactions, including sex. But although flirting could lead to sex, we think that flirting has a lot more to do with making and building a connection. So “Doin’ It Well” thought we would back up this week and examine flirting.

Flirting is about expressing an interest in another person. Although flirting can be sexual or non-sexual (for instance, babies are always accused of flirting), we’ll focus on the sexual/romantic aspects of flirting. Flirting takes on a lot of forms, but can be verbal, non-verbal and physical. The most important part of flirting is that it is fun. Flirting isn’t about manipulating someone into bed, it’s about making a connection and finding if there is potential for more. And flirting isn’t just for meeting someone new ­— flirting is also important in long-term relationships to show affection and attraction.

Body Language of Love

Although the flirting we think about tends to be focused on the verbal (“Did it hurt? When you fell out of heaven?”), non-verbal communication is also important. Your body language can help communicate this. Relax, smile, and be who you are. If you haven’t approached them yet, make brief eye contact and let them know you’re interested. Being casual is an important facet of flirting — this isn’t Elimidate, so no need to rush or be forced.

Body language can also be helpful to gauge how interested the other person is. Pay attention to their body language. What is their facial expression communicating? Are they expressing openness to your flirting? Are they leaning towards you? Are they making eye contact? Each of these might mean that the individual you’re flirting with is interested in talking more with you.

The Pick-Up

After flirting across the room (or wait, was it flirting?), actually talking with the person may feel a little daunting. But remember, flirting isn’t about the outcome, it’s about the experience itself. Enjoy the opportunity to meet someone new. Make small talk with the person, maybe commenting on the song playing or the weather. There doesn’t need to be a question or deep comment; this let’s you see if the person is interested in talking with you. If they are interested, they will keep talking with you.

As you talk, you will probably begin sharing a little information about yourself. Go slowly and take turns. After you share something about yourself, ask them about themselves. As important as what you say is how you listen. Follow the lead of the person you’re talking with as you share information. As you talk, you can introduce yourself during the conversation.

Let’s Get Physical

Physical contact is a key way to tell if someone is flirting with you and to flirt with another person. As you talk with the person, you might lean towards them or touch their arm. Making this contact allows you to become more intimate in your communication and express your interest. Many people have their own personal boundaries, so pay attention to how they react when you make physical contact. If they’re uncomfortable, it doesn’t mean they’re not interested, but you want to be more sensitive about their personal space. Also, physical contact is different from person to person and in different settings. What may be flirtatious physical contact for one person may be platonic for another. Take the physical contact for what it’s worth and enjoy the interaction.

Exchanging Digits

So you’ve had a good time talking and you’d like it to continue. This may be the most vulnerable part of flirting because you need to make your intentions known and may risk rejection. Let the person know that you are interested in seeing them again, and you can ask them for their phone number or e-mail. If things feel certain, you could even set up a date. They may not be interested, and that’s totally okay. You had the opportunity to meet someone new and share a friendly and flirty interaction.

Flirting is fun and exciting, but it’s really only one step in connecting with someone. Building the relationship takes more than posing and pick-up lines, it takes listening, sharing and risk.

Check us out next week as we man up!