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The economy in the United States is still apparently not doing especially well. I would never have been able to figure something like that out on my own, so I’m super thankful to all the various media outlets that point it out at least 60 times an hour. When you look around, things seem to be bad for most everyone. The few people who must be doing OK are the ones writing about how bad the economy actually is. I don’t know if they get paid by the word or not, but if they do, we all better invest in wheelbarrows because they’re going to be buying a lot of them to haul all their money to the bank. The rest of us will have to fend for ourselves when it comes to keeping our heads above water.

As luck would have it, those people constantly writing about our economy are more than happy to help us out with our plight. The Web site Wallet Pop had a little set of tips last week entitled “The Top Five Ways to Get Cash Fast.” On the setup page, they gave us a few scenarios where we might need cash fast, just in case we aren’t clear exactly what a personal cash emergency is. They noted that it could be that you’ve just been laid off, a pipe has burst in your kitchen or your kid needs braces. What would you do? Those are pretty good emergencies, I suppose, though I’m not sure if crooked teeth count as an emergency in this day and age. I know they didn’t when I was a kid.

Either way, Wallet Pop came up with five easy ways to get cash fast. There may have actually been seven or eight, but they don’t seem to like weird numbers like that over there. I assumed that most of the tips would be stuff I‘ve already thought of such as stealing, donating plasma five times a week or stealing other people’s plasma five times a week and selling it on the Black Market. They focused on more legitimate ventures. Whatever, good for them, I guess. My ideas are still probably better.

Their first idea was to sell something. Geez, those folks really do their homework over there at Wallet Pop. I guess my plasma idea sort of falls under that category, but their idea at least seems a little more reasonable. Have a garage sale. I think my idea of selling plasma might be better. I’ve never really seen anyone show up at a garage sale hoping to pay top dollar just to help the person out. Most of them have less than 10 bucks in their pockets, and they want to buy something that will get them on Antiques Roadshow so they can talk about how lucky they were. Garage sales are fine if you just want to get rid of things, probably not fine if you want to save your house ... unless you sell your actual garage at the sale ... and even then.

Their second idea is to cash out your CDs. I personally have several CDs, but they are all the music kind, not certificates of deposit. It turns out mine aren’t worth nearly as much money. They point out that there is not much of a penalty for cashing these out early if you really need the money. Still, it can hurt you in the long run. My initial idea is still better. I could sell one of my CDs — for example, Eddie Money’s “Two Tickets to Paradise” — and it wouldn’t affect me in any way. In fact, the only penalty involved would be the embarrassment of admitting to buying the damned thing in the first place.

The third idea is to appeal to your family for a loan. That’s a pretty tough thing to do. “Thanks for having me and raising me and paying for all my shit. Would you mind terribly to struggle just a bit so my life can be easier?” I think I’d feel more comfortable stealing their plasma. Idea No. 4 is to borrow from your peers. This is an even worse idea. These are lending sites that connect cash-strapped folks with other consumers willing to lend them a hand. I can only assume that “by lending a hand,” they really mean giving them a sound screwing.

Their last idea is to tap your cash value. Basically, borrow against assets you already own such as your home or life insurance policy. The thing is, you bought those things for a reason, like to have something to live in or to protect your family if you should die. If they go away, so does the protection. It’s easy to write about doing it but probably much harder to actually pull the trigger. It might be time to make the trip to the plasma center a family outing instead.

Still, it’s hard to make fun of these ideas, really, because somewhere down the road, we all may be in the same boat looking for some suggestion that will save our asses for another month or so. The thing is, the hole you’re digging just gets deeper and deeper. It’s like that quote from The Sun Also Rises where they ask how the guy went bankrupt and he answers, “Gradually, then suddenly.” Those days may be here sooner than we think, and there may come a time when no amount of plasma in the world is gonna

bail us out.