• the217
• Life
• Gay marriage & sexuality

There has been big news over the past few weeks about the issue of same-sex marriage. Iowa’s Supreme Court recently ruled it unconstitutional to discriminate against same-sex marriages by not providing them legal status. With Proposition 8, California’s voters unfortunately overturned a California Supreme Court ruling that said the same. And most recently, New Hampshire passed a bill making them the sixth state to allow same-sex marriages. What, you may ask, does this have to do with doing “it” well? Marriage and sexuality have always had a complicated relationship.

Wedding Bells

Marriage means a lot of things. It’s a public recognition of a kinship between an individual and his or her spouse. It’s a cultural institution, bound up in ideas of love and commitment. It’s also a civil recognition that provides many reciprocal obligations, rights and protections; in 2004, the General Accounting Office reported that there were some 1,138 legal benefits that legally (read: heterosexual) married individuals receive. For example, marriage allows two individuals to file their taxes jointly.

Marriage or committed partnerships are not a necessity for positive, healthy sexuality. However, forming and maintaining relationships (romantic and non-romantic) is a major part of healthy adult development. The Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States (SIECUS) states that a sexually healthy adult will “express love and intimacy in appropriate ways, develop and maintain meaningful relationships, avoid exploitative or manipulative relationships, make informed choices about family options and lifestyles and develop skills that enhance personal relationships.” Marriage is not the prescription for being a sexually healthy adult, but how do the legal and social barriers that same-sex couples face impact sexual health?

1 Man + 1 Woman = 4 Ever?

One of the current arguments about same-sex marriages is that God or another authority figure made marriage for one man and one woman and this equals happiness for the wedded couple. These ideas — like the classic “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve” — suggest that a relationship between individuals of the same gender is somehow less valuable or less valid than heterosexual relationships. Religion isn’t the only arena where we see this happen; in fact, LGBT individuals face this discrimination in the workplace, school, social organizations and even from their families. This doesn’t mean that someone who is LGBT is doomed to a loveless life, though it does place a host of barriers that most straight individuals never have to face when they are developing their romantic relationships.

When marriage laws state that only one man and one woman can be married — or that same-sex civil unions or marriages from one state won’t be recognized by the federal government or other states — what LGBT individuals miss out on is the approval and recognition by their own community, city, state and country of their relationship. This is why the few municipalities and states that have passed same-sex marriage laws have been met with such celebration by some LGBT folks; their “kinships” are finally recognized. Same-sex marriage laws aren’t out to undermine whatever religious beliefs someone may hold; they are there to provide equal protection and recognition for a man and a man or a woman and a woman as a man and a woman.

Keeping Up with the Straights

Same-sex marriage has become a big focus of some of the major LGBT rights organizations (such as Human Rights Campaign) across the United States. Understandably, there is some criticism that marriage is not the end-all issue affecting LGBT folks in the U.S. Workplace protections, adoption, domestic partner benefits, violence and police harassment are just a few of the many other arenas where LGBT folks face discrimination. Some argue that fighting for the right to get married is a way to mainstream people who are LGBT — to make them “straighter” — and it takes away from the real issues.

We don’t disagree that there are a host of inequalities that LGBT people face interpersonally and institutionally. And marriage is one of these inequalities that intersect many of the others. Federal recognition of a marriage means Social Security benefits, the ability to visit an ailing spouse in the hospital and a host of other things that straight folks take for granted. Institutionally, there may be 1,138 instances of discrimination that same-sex couples may face, but personally, these increase the work that is already necessary for a healthy romantic relationship.

Is marriage necessary? Absolutely not. Partnering — heterosexual or same-sex — is not a necessary component of being a “healthy” individual. In addition, wedding ceremonies can happen outside of a legal context, and this is the way many same-sex (and some straight) couples have celebrated their love and publicly recognized their new family. Perhaps ultimately, it is the love and commitment in front of the couple’s community that is the most important component. But as citizens of our country, we all deserve the opportunity to have our relationships recognized institutionally.

Stay tuned until next week, and keep “Doin’ It Well.”