Fellatio (from the Latin word “suck”) may be something you are curious about, so this week, Doin’ It Well decided to offer some advice since increased knowledge not only decreases anxiety but helps us make good decisions about sexual behaviors.

BJ Basics

There is no one right way to perform oral sex on a man, but some general guidelines may be helpful to those who may be trying it for the first time. To start, simply hold the penis and put it in your mouth. Saliva acts as a lubricant, so summon up some spit beforehand. It’s also a good idea to cover your teeth with your lips so you don’t hurt your partner. From there, simply use your mouth and tongue with an in-and-out motion to stimulate your partner’s penis.

If you wrap one hand around the base of the penis, you can both add manual stimulation and control how far the penis goes into your mouth, preventing gagging. Despite what much of mainstream porn shows us, you don’t have to gag or be uncomfortable during oral sex, and your partner shouldn’t want you to. In addition, oral sex doesn’t have to be the crude sex act it often gets portrayed as and, in fact, can be very loving.

If you choose to perform oral sex on a man, do so in a way that feels good and sexy to you, not simply for his pleasure. Focusing on your pleasure will help you decide whether it’s something you truly like and allow you to relax and enjoy the experience. Your partner can stimulate you while you perform oral sex, or you can stimulate yourself with your hands or a vibrator. Ask your partner what he likes, but be sure to pay attention to what you enjoy about giving oral sex, too.

Hard to Swallow

Questions about semen and whether or not to swallow it are common. On average, a man ejaculates about a teaspoon of semen, though the amount of ejaculate varies with things such as age and the length of time since his last ejaculation. Assuming it’s free of STDs, semen won’t hurt you. It has fewer germs than saliva and is not a significant source of either calories or nutrition. You cannot get pregnant from swallowing semen. Ejaculate has a salty, chlorine flavor (though it may taste differently from guy to guy or from day to day for the same guy), which some people enjoy, don’t mind or simply do not like!

Deciding to swallow is a personal decision; only do so if you want to, not because you think that’s the best way to give a blow job. Most men enjoy receiving oral sex, regardless of what happens during orgasm. Ask him beforehand to let you know when he’s going to ejaculate so you can decide what you’d like to do. If you do not want semen in your mouth, simply remove the penis and continue stroking it manually until he ejaculates.

Some men do not ejaculate during oral sex due to the kind of stimulation. Don’t take it personally; move on to other behaviors that bring you both pleasure.

Being Receptive

If you want to put your hand on your partner’s head while receiving, ask whether it’s OK. Because of the often violent images we see of oral sex, guiding your partner’s head or thrusting into his or her mouth can feel derogatory or bad even if that’s not the intent. Be respectful; never force the penis in the mouth — let the giver decide how far and how fast. Feel free to moan when things feel good. It’s always polite to give a heads-up before orgasm, allowing your partner to decide whether he or she wants to stop before the point of ejaculation.

Heads Up

In general, fellatio is a lower risk sexual activity compared to penetrative vaginal or anal sex. But risk for STDs does exist.

For safer oral sex, learn to put a condom on with your mouth. You can practice this by putting a flavored or un-lubed (a lubed condom won’t hurt you, it just might taste bad) condom in your mouth. Gently use your teeth and lips to determine which way it unrolls (sucking in gently will draw out the reservoir tip), and place the condom onto two fingers, unrolling it with your mouth/lips/tongue.

This handy skill will protect your mouth and throat from STDs and avoids the swallowing question altogether! If you don’t use condoms during oral sex, another risk reduction technique is for the receiver to “pull out” or withdraw before ejaculation, which decreases fluid exchange.

Consider all the information, and then decide for yourself and your relationship what behaviors you are comfortable engaging in.

Check us out next week when we explore why marriage is so gay.