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Developing sexually and experimenting with another person can be an exciting yet vulnerable experience. It feels good, yet we risk rejection. We want to be liked and loved. These feelings are scary and powerful. Making sense of it all is hard, and there may be few people to talk to as we work through it. If we’re pressured to have sex and we’re pressured not to, how does one decide? This week, “Doin’ It Well” decided to take our readers on a journey to see how sexual experimentation would look if sexuality was both healthy and expected.

Sexual experimentation — whether with our own bodies or with someone else — is one way we learn about ourselves sexually. Instead of focusing on all the things we shouldn’t be doing for fear of shame, punishment or negative consequences, we can consider all the options open to us that might have the most positive effect on our sense of self. Then we can make good choices on our own terms about if, when and with whom we might try things sexually, whether that is holding hands or engaging in penetrative sex.

It’s Perfectly Normal

Sexual feelings, desires and fantasies are completely normal. While there is no universal age when people begin having more intense sexual feelings, puberty is generally a time when our bodies begin to change, giving us the ability to reproduce. Hormonal changes pave the way for increased sexual desire, attraction, arousal and interest in other people in a romantic and sexual way.

Discovering, exploring and becoming comfortable with their developing body is usually the way most people first experiment sexually. From this, they can discover what turns them on, how their body responds, what they like and what they don’t like. In addition, they can discover what their thoughts, feelings and reactions are to their body and its response.

A Dual Experiment

Having an interest in experimenting sexually with someone else is also part of sexual development. This could include holding hands, kissing, looking at their body and showing them yours, talking or texting about sexuality or mutual masturbation. Here are some ideas to help sexual experimentation be as pleasurable as possible.

Make Sure it’s on Your Terms

Do only what you want. Society sends us lots of messages about how to “be” sexually. We’re told we should postpone any and all thoughts and behaviors until we’re older but are also told that we should be sexual at very young ages. Consider these messages, and decide for yourself! Tune in to your own thoughts, ideas and beliefs: ”Do I want to engage in this behavior because I think I should or because I want to?”

No one develops at the same rate, in the same way or with the same experiences. We all have to make decisions about what feels best to us, what we want to experience and what we don’t want to experience. It’s important to honor our own sexual development while also respecting others’ different decisions.

Build Trust and Respect.

If we view sexuality and its expression as normal and healthy, we also have to think twice about spreading sexual rumors, calling people bad names for being sexual, making jokes about others’ sexuality as a way to put them down or sharing private information about people’s sexuality. By doing this, we would build a community that was truly sex positive for everyone, not just certain people. This means we value everyone’s choices around their sexual development, not simply those who choose to “wait” or those who choose to “just do it.” It would mean there would be more options than just an all-or-nothing approach.

Feel It!

Sometimes we may numb out potential positive feelings with drugs or alcohol. Staying sober and in the moment can help us know what we like (or don’t). If sexual experimentation does not feel good, then it’s most likely not the right time, the right partner, the right environment, the right relationship or the right behavior. Things may feel physically wonderful but emotionally stressful — or emotionally great but physically less great! Check-in with yourself and your partner to help your sexual experimentation feel really good for each of you!

Don’t Get Boxed In

If sexual experimentation is normalized for everyone (both males and females), then we can begin to respect and celebrate sexuality. Rather than shaming people who experiment or having different standards for who can say “yes” and who should say “no,” we can start respecting each other as sexual beings, all struggling during the coming-of-age years to figure out who we are as sexual people.

Be Proud!

This can be hard in an environment that sends us mixed messages about sexuality. We need to reclaim our sexuality and view it as something to be proud of! Although it may seem easier said than done, we should be proud of our choices, whatever they are.

Check us out next week as we look for a cure for AIDS.