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• Easy Tips for the Unemployed

I’m sure there are quite a few college students looking for a job right about now. When I graduated, I felt I had put in quite a bit of work and it was now important to find myself in some way. I did this by working for a couple of months in a print shop and drinking beer in my parent’s garage while I listened to baseball games on the radio. I’ll be honest; it really doesn’t take all that long to find yourself if something like that makes you happy. Secure in the fact that I now understood me and that I was essentially a simpleton, I began to look for a more steady type of work. There wasn’t much of a plan, and looking back on it, I’m sort of stunned I ever got a job.

I know you’re supposed to do research on the companies you’re interviewing with, prepare your answers for questions you know they’ll ask, have questions to ask them. I know you’re supposed to dress presentable, have a good attitude and do everything in your power to “wow” a possible employer. I know all that, it’s just that I don’t remember doing much of it. I’d just sort of make an appointment, wander in, answer a few questions and hope for the best. It all magically worked out through no hard work of my own. I didn’t necessarily tell them what they wanted to hear, pretty much just whatever crossed my mind.

These days, there are far more resources to help you get ready. I was checking out careerbuilder.com the other day, and they had some tips to pass along. The key is knowing when you’re giving a future employer too much information. Why take the chance that you’ll say something that pisses the interviewer off for some weird reason? A concept such as this has pretty much escaped me my entire life, but maybe some others will have better luck.

They broke everything down into an easy-to-follow stoplight system that even I sort of understood. Things marked with a green light meant you could go ahead and discuss them with an employer. Things with a yellow light meant to be careful. Items with a red light meant you should watch your ass.

Green light items are goals, growth, highlights and motivations. The goals should be something a little loftier than just getting the job or because you really want to buy a new flat-screen TV. As I see it, they don’t necessarily have to be true, but they should seem that way. Professional growth is important. By that, I mean it’s important to appear that you’d like to grow in your career. Don’t admit you’d be more than happy to cheat your way to the middle of the corporate ladder and then lie your way back down.

Brag a little bit about what you’ve done in the past, and then pretend that there’s something that makes you get up in the morning rather than just the paycheck. In my case, I believe I overestimated my contribution to a group project as an example of my career highlights and then insisted that I simply “loved to learn” to show I was motivated. It probably helps if you’re able to keep a straight face during at least some of the interview.

The yellow light, or “caution” subjects are vacations, allergies, pets and your overall skill set. It’s probably best not to appear that you spend a shit-ton of time on vacation. They are trying to picture you working for their company, not wearing an ill-advised Speedo and sipping a margarita somewhere in Jamaica. If something relevant comes up, fine, but otherwise, they really don’t give two shits. The same goes with allergies. If it’s a really big deal, whatever, but they shouldn’t get the idea you’re going to be sick for a large part of the year. Also don’t be a smart ass and say you sometimes get allergic to beer, especially when you drink 15 of them.

The red light items are really pretty obvious. Stay away from lifestyle choices, politics, religion and family plans. If there’s a chance it could get you in an argument or get your ass kicked if you brought it up in a bar, there’s a good chance it isn’t going to help you land a job. Health history should also be steered clear of. This will be hard to do if you’re bipolar or something, but do the best you can. Also stay away from bad-mouthing your last boss. It may seem sort of funny and candid at the time, but the person on the other side of the table knows they could be next in line.

I hope these little tips helped somebody. I know I could have probably used some of them. I love my job now, and I really enjoyed the path I chose to get there, but I’m also very aware how much of it was just dumb luck. Fortunately, somewhere along the line, an interviewer looked at me and thought one of two things: “Geez Louise, this simple bastard shouldn’t be on the streets, so I’d better hire him,” or “He doesn’t know what he’s doing, but for some reason, I see good things in his future.” It was probably a little bit of both. That or they just wanted to fill the position as quickly as possible.