Well, it’s a fine time to be an Illinoisan. Okay, it’s probably not the proudest I’ve ever been, but you can’t say it’s not at least interesting. Our state has been on the news quite a lot lately. Sadly, it’s not because we’ve created a ton of new jobs or because the next president is from our part of the country. It’s because our governor is a freaking moron. As far as politics go, um, let’s see, Jim Edgar was a decent sort of fella and we’ve still got that whole Lincoln legacy, but other than that it appears everyone else in Illinois politics is as crooked as a dog’s hind leg.

Fine, it’s probably not fair to say all politicians in Illinois are crooked, but on the other hand, I must admit it makes me wonder. Actually, it makes me wonder what the shelf life is on democracy. We voted the silly bastard into office and the other people we elected to go to Springfield allowed Governor Rod Blagojevich’s crooked ass to continue leading our state even after we stopped paying many of our bills. The guy has done nothing but lead ineffectively and we all allowed him to keep doing it. Everyone deserves a little blame.

That was bad enough when it just appeared he was unfit to lead. It got much worse last week, however, when it became news that the FBI had taped his phone and found out about all the cheating that was going on. I’m sure you all know the dirty details by now, so I won’t go into all of that. Let’s just say our governor was one crooked bastard. Judging by the transcripts of his phone records, he has the balls of a prize bull, the brains of an eight-year-old, and the mouth of a sailor. It’s a volatile combination.

I suppose that since I live in this state I should be appalled and embarrassed but honestly I really just find it all amusing. In fact, the entire incident lead to one of the best-written headlines ever on the Yahoo news page, “Can Obama escape the taint of Blagojevich?” Well, I sure hope he can in more ways than one. The taint of Blagojevich is not a place you want to find yourself, my friend. Get out as quickly as possible.

There were some other amusing things, as well. The day before he was arrested, Blagojevich was asked during a press conference if there was a dark cloud over his head. He answered that he felt there was nothing but sunshine over his head. He may be correct, but only if “Sunshine” turns out to be his ironically named cellmate at one of our nation’s finer penitentiaries. Either way, the whole thing was just bizarre. The ridiculous smile on his face only made it creepier.

Even I’ll admit though, he’s nothing if not sort of interesting. He apparently has no brains and no conscience and no vocabulary, also a volatile combination. The transcripts read like the script to a Quentin Tarantino movie, motherbleeper this, I bleeping deserve this, kiss my bleep. The only thing he didn’t point out was what a complete bleeping bleephead he was. In case you’re wondering, the bleeps weren’t really bleeps, but instead dirty swear words. This was, for some reason, pointed out several times during the press conference. Maybe they thought the rest of us Illinoisans were as ignorant as our leader.

I generally like folks who swear a lot, but for some reason, this really did nothing for me. There’s just too much douchebaggery involved. Evidently, he’s not especially self-aware either. In one of the transcripts, he talks about the kind of a job he would expect to be appointed to if he makes the right guy the next senator from Illinois. He would have been fine being an ambassador. Holy freaking crap, dude, you cannot get along with anyone. How the piss are you going to be an ambassador? The United States doesn’t hate any country enough to throw your idiot ass at them.

Some have pointed out that he may simply be insane. I don’t know, but in a way, it’s sort of hard to argue otherwise. I would probably bet it’s somewhere in that gray area of being completely out to lunch but not clinically insane. Even more than that though, it mostly just seems to be arrogance. He may talk tough and act tough, but just looking at him I get the distinct impression that he’s nothing but a spoiled little candyass. If nothing else, that will make it more enjoyable when it all crumbles around him.

The worst part of all of this is that every time you see the guy, even now, he’s got that dumbass smile on his face. It’s creepy and confident, like the simple bastard still thinks he’s going to get away with all of this. I really doubt that he will, but I suppose you never know. Either way, the damage has already been done. It’s that whole fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Well, let’s see, the Illinois governors have fooled us four times so far. It’s not ideal for anyone involved, but from here on out, I think you’ve just got to assume everyone in Springfield is crooked. At least that way you won’t be surprised when you eventually find out you were correct.