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Baby blues

“[My partner] and I are proud new parents, and everything is basically going great except we dress our daughter in the ‘boys’’ clothes a lot because I think dresses are dumb, and also we like the clothes with geeky stuff like robots and monkeys and monsters, none of which seem to come in the clothes labeled as ‘infant girl’ — so we try not to assume things about her just because of her sex. But society resists a baby girl who doesn’t wear pink, and I think raising a gender-neutral child is going to get harder (she’s six months now). Any words of wisdom regarding parenting?”

— L

Dear L,

First, congratulations on your baby. Your story of combating gender stereotyping really tickled and inspired us. We don’t know if we can add much to your wisdom, but it is an important issue for Doin’ It Well to explore!

What Are You Having?

We both have witnessed exactly what you’re talking about, and as a new dad, Ross can echo your concerns. The world of children’s clothing and toys are gendered; then again, so is the world of adult clothing and merchandise. Maybe it’s just easier for us to see with small children. But it isn’t simply the options available and the gender assigned to them; it is also the pressures from family, friends and even strangers who are ultimatley uncomfortable with androgynous (think David Bowie) or “cross-dressing” babies.

Somewhere around the time the sex of the child is ascertained, the gendering of the child’s future begins. Frequently, the assumptions of gender are so subtle and mundane that we don’t recognize them immediately. But one of the things that these can serve to do is develop a set of expectations (and limitations) for our children. So the ability of a girl to love robots or a boy to enjoy cooking or flowers gets set as “off-limits.” Rather than allowing our children to be any and all of the characteristics we know to be human, there’s a small subset that are OK and celebrated.

Stuck in Gender-Neutral

Raising a gender-neutral child is probably a whole other challenge because whether we like it or not, our world is gendered, and we are gendered. Whether we are masculine, feminine or another gender identity, gender is a part of our lives. And all parents will (and should) struggle with how freely their child is able to choose his or her gender identity. As much as we may like to believe otherwise, it may not be in our control.

All of us (including our children) express ourselves in a variety of ways that are attached to gender, and it is our job as unconditionally loving adults to make room for children to discover who they are in spite of the rigid gender norms out there. If your son likes to play with a truck or your daughter a baby doll, we have to resist the reactionary piece that might make us want to yell, “Nooooo!” Instead, play with them and find out what those toys and games mean to them — we might be surprised!

Good luck!

Not Even Once

“... I’ve read [your ‘Living the High Life (in Bed)’ article, and] I am perplexed. Perhaps in your original copy, there was something more about risk reduction, but I’m having a hard time finding much in the published article, except, perhaps, to call 911 in an emergency, always good advice.

I don’t think that it came across clearly as to what the intended message is. We certainly don’t want to encourage them [college students] to use ... do we?

I worry that when they get caught with only one hit of any of those non-addictive hallucinogens, that they enter into the University’s zero-tolerance policy concerning controlled substances other than alcohol and marijuana and that they will get thrown out of school.”

— Dr. David Lawrance

Thank you for providing this feedback. It’s important and helpful for us to know how some folks might have interpreted our column. We definitely did not intend to send a message that drugs should be used to enhance sex. Quite the opposite: We’re critical of the ways that we’re “promised” that alcohol or drugs will make for wild sex. In addition to the side effects of those drugs we listed, we also know that these substances decrease communication, physical sensation and pleasure, condom use and they are linked with an increase in perpetrating sexual assault. We also realize the enormous pressures to be sexual and how all this gets tied together in ways that can be ultimately pretty complex.

Our goal, as always, was to provide information to help our readers make informed choices because we know that telling someone to discontinue any behavior is unlikely to lead to any behavior change. Our hope is that the column can help readers to examine their values, the society they live in and how these factors ultimately affect their behaviors and their physical and emotional health, allowing them to make the best decisions for them.

Stay tuned until next week as we help a reader have “the talk” with their parents.