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Herpes Resources

American Social Health Association Herpes Resource Center: http://www.ashastd.org/herpes/herpes_overview.cfm
Ebel, C. & Wald, A. Managing Herpes: Living and Loving with HSV

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• Sex on the road

Hello, Jo and Ross:

I have a dilemma. I have recently discovered that I contracted an STD ­— specifically, genital herpes — possibly years ago! I am currently getting to know someone, and we are dating long-distance with plans for me to meet him. HOW DO I TELL HIM?!?!?! When I told partners before, of course our sexual relationship changed, and no matter how ‘responsible’ I felt, I still felt gross. Soooo ... I have the possibility of a relationship but don’t want to ruin it and know I cannot lie or omit this information.

Sometimes I feel as if I should never even pursue sexual relationships anymore because I know I will ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION, and it is perhaps less wrenching to just go it alone ... I just don’t want to. So any ideas?

Signed,

How Do I Do the Right Thing?

Dear Do the Right Thing:

Thanks for the great question! We’re glad you wrote in, especially since you, like everyone else, deserve a satisfying, fulfilling and wonderful sex life! We can imagine how difficult it is to continue to have this conversation with partners and negotiate sexual behaviors you both are comfortable with. But actually, everyone who is sexually active is wise to talk with partners about past STD risk and infection and develop the trust necessary to have these very real and honest conversations. It may not be fun or comfortable, but when we consider that more than half of all people will have an STD in their lifetime, it applies to most people having sex!

Sharing

Remember that the fact that you know you have HSV (herpes simplex virus) and are taking active steps to reduce transmission to your partner(s) significantly reduces the likelihood that they will become infected. One in five Americans has HSV, but most do not know it; therefore, it may be more beneficial to know the status of a current partner and actively, together, reduce the risk of transmission than to not talk about STDs with partners, assuming they are not infected. In this way, your partner may be lowering their risk of STDs more than they might have within a relationship where STDs were never discussed, even though you’re infected. The more we know, the better able we are to protect our health.

Also, you might discuss his STD status, including him getting tested. He might already be infected with HSV (either type 1 or type 2) and not know it (like many people). That may change the discussion for both of you.

Take It Slow

If you are developing a relationship with this person, it may be helpful to allow other aspects of it to develop at the same pace as the physical or sexual part. Meaning the more the two of you get to know each other, develop caring, love, compassion and trust, the easier it may be to bring up things that feel more vulnerable. You do not have to be sexual with him right away, at least not in ways that might risk transmission. If you’re interested in developing the relationship, the sexual aspect of that is only part of the equation.

Deciding when to disclose an infection is a personal choice, however. Some folks believe that they need to tell a partner up-front in case their partner no longer wants to pursue the relationship. While we understand this perspective, it’s based on a premise that those infected with STDs are not worthy or deserving of a loving, sexual relationship, and we couldn’t disagree more! STDs are only a part of who you are as a person; there is much more to who you are and what you bring to a relationship.

A World of Possibilities

The upside to discussing STDs is the opportunity for you and your partner to discuss the many ways you can be sexual with one another while also keeping the risk of transmission low. This might include brainstorming behaviors you haven’t experienced or thought of before and can expand your definitions of “sex” and sexual intimacy. This process can add a new and different dimension of sexual excitement. Consider mutual masturbation, the use of sex toys, hand jobs and oral sex. He can protect himself quite easily while performing oral sex by using a condom (if you’re male) or a latex barrier (if you’re male or female)!

Often, penetration is the desired goal between partners. However, waiting longer before experiencing this (risk can be significantly reduced with condom use) can allow you to both experience all the other wonderful sexual behaviors you might normally rush past and intensify the passion and sexual tension between the two of you.

It may also be helpful to discuss this with him before you see him ­­— over the phone or through IM — allowing him time to react before the two of you are together. The time in-between to process and talk about this information might let you spend as much time as you want in person getting hot and heavy with each other. Hopefully, he’ll appreciate your integrity and caring as much as we do! Good luck!

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