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I’ve often heard the phrase “A day late and a dollar short.” It’s a fine phrase, but I don’t particularly like it when it’s applied to me. As you all likely know, last week’s buzz was the “Best Of” issue. As you could probably guess, I never really pay much attention to the calendar and all that, so I sort of missed it. By “sort of” missed it, I mean completely missed it. I figured I might as well try to play some catch-up and do the Coulter Best Of issue — a week late ... and several dollars short.

I should start out with best women’s clothing store. I don’t really buy that much women’s clothing, but if I did, I would go to Circles. It was also my friend Danelle’s idea for me to do a Best Of column, and since it’s her store, it only seems right that I mention her. Either way, it’s a cool-ass store with sharp clothes, and they hardly ever kick me out when I sit around and make smart-assed comments. If I ever get a sex change or just get a hankering for some cross dressing, that’s my first stop ... right after the psychiatrist.

Since I’m already in the friend-touting mode, I should also mention the best barbecue. Normally, I would pick Porgy’s, but my friend Neighbor will soon have his new place opening up in what used to be the Tod and John’s tavern. I hate to be one of those guys who pretends they have inside information, but in this case, I do. Let me tell you this, my friends: Neighbor makes a fine rib and a fine barbecue in general. In the past, I’ve had to wait for someone to have a party and then convince him to cook for it, but soon, I will be able to get it whenever I please. Even if I’m not hungry for ribs, I may just drive by to enjoy the smell.

Since we’re on things that I really enjoy, I suppose I should do the best bar. This is really a tough one because I really enjoy drinking quite a lot. Esquire, Mike ’n Molly’s, Clark Bar and the Brass Rail all deserve some serious consideration, but I will have to go with Hubers in this particular instance. The bar is nice and homey, and everyone’s swell, but let’s face it, I go for the ice cold big beers. It’s 24 ounces of draft heaven, and it’s simply a pleasure to have a couple and talk sports with a couple of your buddies while you watch a game. The math can get a little tricky though, so just remember the number of beers you’ve had, and multiply by two. This should keep you out of trouble.

While we’re on the subject of drinking, I’ve come to the conclusion that there is actually no place that is the best place for a drunken meal. Like holding a golf club above your head during a storm, the drunken meal seems sort of fun and exciting, but there’s always the chance it could go horribly wrong and change your life forever. My advice would be to wait until the next morning when the synapses are clicking a little better and have breakfast at the Original Pancake House. It’s less adventurous, but you’ll have a far better day.

When it comes to relaxing in a different way, I would pick West Side Park as the best, um, park, obviously. I used to go there every day, and I’ve lived within a block or two of it since I moved to Champaign. Now I’m several blocks away from it, but I still make a point to visit there every so often. It’s weird, there’s not really much there or anything, but it just seems like a beautiful spot. You can see the edges of downtown from there, but it somehow seems miles away from everything. As an added bonus, both my dog and I have peed on several things in that park, so it just feels like home for some reason.

The most intriguing entry last week was the best place to have sex in public. I fear this may be like the best place for a drunken meal in that there is really no good place. Don’t get me wrong, there are many places people can have sex in public, it’s just that I’d really prefer not to advocate such a thing. It’s not that I’m a prude or anything. I think it’s just better if we aren’t all humping with reckless disregard around our lovely city. If we were all super good-looking, it’d be one thing, but let’s face it — in most situations, it’s simply something I’d hope not to stumble upon on a regular basis.

Those are just a few of the highlights, and I could probably write a book on all the things I love about Champaign-Urbana. When I moved here, many moons ago, I really figured it would be for a year or two, but somewhere along the way, it just started to feel like home. I never much got the ambition or desire to try to find a place I liked more. It’s not big, it’s not small and it is home to some of the best folks I’ve ever met. Like they say about people who run marathons, we’re all winners.