I talk to God on a pretty regular basis. I’m not particularly religious, actually, I’m not religious at all, but I still talk to him every so often. I’ll be honest, it’s not like we’re best friends or anything and he never really talks back and there’s not much of a give and take there, so I sometimes wonder why I make the effort. I think the reason is because I’m still afraid of what might happen if I don’t talk to him. I heard enough about fire and brimstone before I hit puberty to ingrain that sort of thing into my life no matter what logic, or lack thereof, was involved. Still, it’s always nice just to share a moment with the big man ... or woman, I suppose.

I guess I sort of understand why God never really converses with me. In most of our exchanges, I must admit that I come off pretty self centered. “Sorry I did that, sorry I did this, blah, blah, blah. Please do this for me and don’t let this happen to me. Wipe that smile off your face.” I doubt many regular folks would talk to me if I treated them in the same manner. I just never really know what to ask or say. The biggest problem is that he seemed a tad bit grumpy, especially in the Old Testament days, and I’m afraid I might accidentally make him angry.

I may have to change my way of thinking towards this now though. Sure, I might have to pay for some long distance charges, but I think I may just start leaving him a message every so often. It may sound silly, but it’s possible now, sort of, because an artist in the Netherlands has set up a telephone number for God where regular people can leave a message. The article didn’t mention speaking to God directly, so I’m assuming he must screen most of his calls. I guess you can’t really blame him for that since there are probably a lot of idiots out there.

Whatever, it’s sort of a nice concept, I suppose. It’s actually a mobile phone, so you can reach God at any time. Bonus. The message says “This is the voice of God. I am not able to speak with you at the moment, but please leave a message.” I like that, to the point and very polite. At least it’s not one of those cutesy ones where he and Jesus trade funny lines back and forth or one of the annoying ones where you have to listen to the opening bars to Black Sabbath’s “Iron Man” before the beep. Those novelty messages never really come across great and who would understand that more than the Supreme Being.

Besides using the term “artist” very liberally, the fella doing the project, Johan van der Dong, also has a super-awesome name. Either way, he says the messages aren’t for some big project somewhere down the road and that he won’t even listen to them. The aim of the project is to promote debate about the priorities of modern life. That’s probably fair. I’m sure most of us think we have less time for God these days so we’ll reach him the quickest way possible.

As I understand it, God is a bit of a technophobe to begin with, so a phone message may truly be the best option. I mean, he never answers emails and his web site loads so freaking slow that it makes you want to scream so there aren’t that many other options. I suppose you can still just pray to him but that really seems so old school these days.

My biggest hope is that people don’t begin to abuse the ability to leave the big guy a message and just do it whenever it strikes them. “Hey God, its Coulter. I was just heading out to have a crapload of beers with my buddies. Anyway, it’d be sweet if you could tag along with us tonight and make sure we don’t get in too much trouble. I mean, you know, we haven’t seen much of you lately and it’s just more fun if you’re around. Cool. Call me back or just meet us if you want.”

Personally, I’d really like to get a hold of those messages and phone numbers so I could call everyone back and pretend I was God. “Is this Timmy? Hi Son, this is God. Thanks for taking the time to call me and tell me how much you really want a new bike, but I’d like to point out that, first of all, you don’t really need it, and second of all, I’m God, not freaking Santa Claus, and I don’t really have time to cater to your every little spoiled whim. Grow up, you little bastard.” As you can probably tell, I would make a terrible God.

As usual, some people are pissed off about the project, thinking it’s mocking those with religious beliefs, but I don’t really see it that way. I’d like to think God thinks it’s a little funny and a little stupid at the same time, just like me. I’m sure he’s not offended by people leaving a message and I hope he’s rolls his eyes at all the people who are offended. I would really hope that he has a sense of humor about those sorts of things. He’s probably just glad we think about him at all anymore.