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Kim & Ross,
Can you explore the context of sexuality and orientation in contrast with the things that cause and give people sexual pleasure (i.e. pornography that leans more to homosexual interactions but [a person] still feeling completely heterosexual in attractions)? It was something that came up in a conversation I was having after seeing the program [you two facilitated], and I wanted to see how you guys would address it. The column is a really great conversationalist piece; thanks for being brave.
— G

Dear G,

Thanks for your question! Exploring fantasy and sexual orientation can be a difficult subject for a variety of reasons. For starters, we often like to hang onto the idea that sexual orientation fits into two (maybe three) categories: straight or gay/lesbian and sometimes bisexual. If we believe in this binary and we experience attractions outside of our self-defined sexual orientation, this may be difficult for us to grapple with or understand. In addition, homophobia (the fear of all things gay) and the way society treats certain sexual expressions can limit us all, whether in fantasy or real life.

Keeping Orientation Straight

As we’ve discussed in previous columns, Fritz Klein — working off of Albert Kinsey’s research — developed a framework for thinking about sexual orientation that broke it up into seven categories: sexual attraction, sexual fantasy, sexual behavior, emotional preference, social preference, lifestyle (heterosexual or homosexual) and self-identification. Three of these categories focus on the sexual aspect of sexual orientation, but it’s easy to see how one’s sexual fantasies become just one small aspect of orientation.

Although we may identify as straight, lesbian, bisexual or gay, that may not fully describe our sexual behaviors or fantasies. For example, a straight man might become aroused by gay porn. A lesbian may fantasize about men. A straight woman may find herself turned on by lesbian erotica. Because our sexual orientation is fluid, any one name probably doesn’t fully encompass our behaviors, attractions or fantasies.

Because we live in a world that — as Homer Simpson says — “likes [our] beer cold ... and [our] homosexuals flaming,” there is a lot of pressure for individuals to identify with and stick to one sexual orientation label. This phenomenon, sometimes called “monosexism,” results in pressure to identify with one specific orientation rather than seeing it as something that is usually fluid and dynamic. Bisexual folks (and pansexuals and omnisexuals) challenge this rigid idea of sexual orientation by acknowledging attraction and feelings for multiple genders. Additionally, homophobia pressures many people to deny sexual attraction they feel for the same sex whether or not that is how they may define their sexual orientation. In all, it becomes difficult to accept our sexual identities for what they are rather than as a result of the multiple pressures around us.

Fantasy Is As Fantasy Does

The reason fantasies are, in fact, fantasies is because they aren’t real. Fantasies are where we can explore things that we haven’t done or aren’t doing currently. One of the reasons that we may enjoy fantasies is specifically because they wouldn’t happen or because we don’t actually want them to happen in real life. In fantasies, we are in control of the situation; we may place our own ideas, feelings and thoughts on them. Fantasies are a wonderful place to figure out what arouses us and then think about whether we would like these experiences in real life.

Certainly fantasies have meaning, but sometimes we shut down before we let ourselves think about that. When there is shame or stigma around sexual feelings, we may have trouble letting ourselves enjoy our fantasies and understand them. For some people, fantasy may be the first place where they begin to understand their own sexual identity and feelings. By opening ourselves up to our fantasies’ possible meanings, even if we would never want to enact them, we can learn what (and whom) we like, what arouses us and what we don’t want to try out in our real lives. This expands the way we can experience our sexuality, giving us variety, safety and increased spaces for pleasure and enjoyment!

Sexuality Changes

Of course, we are not going to be the same people sexually when we’re 18 as we will be when we’re 80. Not only will our bodies change but who we are attracted to, why we’re attracted to them and what we may enjoy or fantasize about will all likely change as well. This isn’t simply due to maturing but it’s also because we are constantly growing and understanding ourselves in new ways. It’s part of the wonderful process of sexuality, and we should welcome it.

Check us out next week as we swallow the little blue pill for women.