On occasion, I can be a complete idiot. So we’re clear, by “on occasion,” I mean pretty much all the time. It usually works out just fine for me, though. In the rare instance I have to act like an actual human being, I’m totally capable of doing that. The thing is, you just have to give me plenty of notice so I can get my head wrapped around the idea that I’m going to have to be an adult for a certain period of time. When I came across an article on http://lemondrop.com entitled “Things a Guy Should Never Do in Public,” I couldn’t wait to read it. Sure, I could imagine what most of the things were that guys shouldn’t do in public. I mostly just wanted to confirm I still have some self-awareness.

Of course, the first thing they listed was public urination. Um, I totally do that ... really quite a bit. I’m not advocating it in any way, but it’s just so easy and gratifying that I can’t comprehend any guy not doing it as much as possible. I’ll do it with my dog, other guys, even once alongside a squirrel in the park, though he did give me a bit of a dirty look. In my own defense, it may sort of be in public, but at least it’s generally not indoors. I know it’s not much, but when you’re an idiot, anything that raises you slightly above the level of cavemen has to be grabbed onto.

By the time I got to the second one, it was pretty clear this was an unauthorized biographical piece this Web site was doing on me. It said guys should never talk about how wasted they got the night before. Geez Louise, I thought that was really the only reason to actually go out the night before. If you keep such a thing to yourself, only the lucky bastards who saw you that particular night will know how ignorant you were. If you repeat the story, many more people get to be a part of the event. Besides, sometimes that kind of thing is really funny.

There are also many things a guy is not even allowed to say. They mentioned that saying you’re “bringing the high five back” while high-fiving or saying “my bad” after behaving like a dipshit are things a fella also shouldn’t utter. Fine, I’ll be the first to admit the high five can get a little tedious, particularly since there are so many variations of it now. Guys will also bump hands or even smack forearms. If the group isn’t on the same page, someone could get hurt really badly. I do, however, say “my bad” quite a lot, but that’s usually in softball after one of the many errors I generally commit.

We’re also not supposed to talk about Fight Club. I assume this is sort of a joke from the movie, and I get it, but I will admit I do like to talk about Fight Club. Still, I much prefer to talk about the far superior book rather than the half-good movie. This, of course, makes me a pretentious douchebag, but I’m not sure that’s necessarily a stupid guy thing.

Men are also encouraged not to use euphemisms for going to the bathroom. The example they used was “dropping the kids off at the pool.” Fine, I’ll admit that’s sort of gauche. I prefer the old baseball jargon because it’s still sort of code for most people. For example, if I say the catcher is signaling for a fastball (i.e. holding one finger down), it means I have to pee. If I say the catcher is signaling for a curveball (i.e. holding down two fingers), it means ... well, I’m sure you know what that means. It may be a little less colorful than the other terms, but I happen to be one of those guys who loves such subtlety.

As if these weren’t more than enough guidelines, we also aren’t supposed to make fun of women by using terms like “butterface.” This is, of course, a reference to a woman who has a nice body but her face, um, not so much — thus, butterface. I’ll admit that seems a little rude, even to me. I far prefer what I heard one of my buddies say once: “She’s beautiful from afar and far from beautiful.” I mean, c’mon, that just sounds super-classy. I’m sure many women have similar little remarks for particular guys as well. They should feel free to use them whenever they like, even in front of us because we’re far too simple to ever pick up on them.

That’s about all I have time for. I’m also sure there are countless things that need to be added to this list. It was fun to look it over and see how many of the things I do on a regular basis appeared on it, at least in some form. The thing is, I don’t really need a list to point such things out. I’m painfully aware I do each of them. The real problem lies in my not really doing anything to correct the behavior. As they say, it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. That said, I’m almost sorry I don’t act better sometimes.