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Many experts are beginning to say the economy is looking up just a bit, which is great, but they are also quick to point out that the unemployment will likely remain high for some time. I’d like to comment on this intelligently, but I’m afraid my limited experience with economics was a lecture class in college that I managed to pass only because there was a significant grading curve, a rare instance of good things happening when a large group of dumb people is put in the same room. So I can’t help much there. Some time though, all those unemployed folks are going to have to go in for job interviews, and I can maybe help there. Job interviews are a weird combination of bragging, ass kissing, and trickery, especially if you’re doing it right.
Surprisingly, I’ve had the same job for a while and will hopefully have it for a good while longer, so I was a little rusty on all the extras of job interviewing. Fortunately, careerbuilder.com had an article last week that showed people some body language tips that can help a person be more
effective during the interviewing process. I’m not sure the tips are especially helpful, but it I have to say it was a creepy little pleasure to read. It was like a cliché clinic of self-help.
The first part was called “the wet fish versus the bone crusher.” I’m sure you’ve guessed that this is about the handshake but calling it that makes it seems so much more awesome. They point out that aggressive people have a firm handshake and that people with low self-esteem have a soft handshake. Geez Louise, they are really dropping some psychological shit on us there. They didn’t mention this, but I’m guessing the joy buzzer, while still a completely awesome prank, is probably not recommended in a job interview situation.
Here are their tips for a handshake. Make sure your hands are clean and manicured. Ensure hands are warm and free of perspiration. Use a firm grip and a warm smile. Those all make sense, though I’d also like to add my two cents. Make sure there is no blood on your hands, even if it is for a good reason. It’s best not to have five or six stamps from the previous night of drinking on the back of your hand. Sure it’s pretty funny, but don’t stick your hand down the front of your pants and out through your zipper when you approach the interviewer. Some people just don’t get “classy” humor.
Next, they talk about eye contact, which was, of course, called “the eyes have it.” Anyway, apparently they are for eye contact. They say sixty percent eye contact is a pretty good baseline to go with. One hundred percent eye contact can also be effective, but only if you are applying for the job of creepiest person in the world. I would assume it’s also frowned on to roll your eyes
repeatedly and say things like “Yeah, whatever, dipshit.” Another eye tip is to keep your eye contact around the nose and eye area. They say staring at a person’s lips can sometimes be considered sexual. It is always considered sexual if your lick your own lips while staring at their lips.
The next section, entitled “get it straight,” is about posture. It’s one of those things I’ve been told to do my entire life and have never really done. Sit up straight. This can even help people to breath better. I’m not sure I could remember to do it all the time, but it probably is a good idea. Another tip, never turn your chair around and sit in it backwards as if you’re casually rapping with a buddy. That sort of “zaniest” can often be frowned on in the workplace.
Under “get a head in the game,” they basically talk about how you shouldn’t sit there like a freaking bobblehead. Try to keep your head level most of the time. It’s okay to tilt it slightly every so often to give the impression you give a shit about what the person is saying. Be careful though. If you tilt it too much, people may think you hear a distant call from far, far away.
The last two tips are “arms can lend a hand” and “get a leg up on the competition.” Holy crap, the freaking titles of those sections are written so well you don’t even really need to read the actual content. Basically, don’t wave your arms around like a crazy person. This may not be good advice if you are applying to be one of the folks who parks airplanes though. As far as the legs go, try to keep them still during the interview. This rule should be aggressively overlooked, however, if it’s a Riverdance audition.
Follow all of these tips and you just might land that big job. Sure, that job will eventually become a huge pain in your ass, but still. It will give you something to worry and think about all the time. It will make you get up early and stay later than you would care to. It will do nothing but throw a monkey wrench into your daily plans. It will slowly become a huge part of your life. It will often suck. Strangely though, the only thing worse than having a job is not having one. Go figure.
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