I still love Christmas, but I’m not really sure why. I can only assume I must have really liked getting toys as a child and the residual effect is still hanging on long after the fact. Back then, I would get up early in the morning on Christmas morning and begin shredding wrapping paper, pulling out one toy after the next and spending no actual time with any of them. “Holy crap, I’m so excited I can’t stop screaming.” These days, it’s a bit more leisurely. I get up, sip a cup of coffee, suck down a cigarette, and slowly begin unwrapping my gifts. “That’s cool. I really needed some new jeans.” It’s still great, just not as exciting. Christmas is about kids and toys.

I still get to buy a few presents for little kids and I really enjoy it, but I feel sort of unqualified these days. I suppose I’m old school, but I can’t quite grasp the words “educational” and “toy” being put together in any manner. Plus, everything is a little more high-tech than I remember. Geez Louise, I was happy when they came out with a G.I. Joe than could hold a gun with his kung fu grip. Anyway, I thought I should do some research before I started shopping, so you all might as well come along for the ride.

Smart Cycle Physical Learning Arcade System: Holy freaking crap, the name alone would have scared the piss out of me when I was a kid. Strangely, it’s pretty much what the name implies. The kid gets on a stationary bike, plugs a couple of wires into the TV, and goes apeshit. All sorts of adventures pop up as the kid peddles along. It’s almost as cool as riding a bike outside.

Transformers Movie Ultimate Bumblebee: Okay, I never really got why Transformers would be a good toy, let alone a watchable movie, but whatever. This toy transforms from a yellow Camaro into a fourteen inch Bumblebee robot. I suppose it’s fine if you’re a kid, but at my age, I’d be more than happy with a gift that could transform from a martini glass into a pillow because at least that seems useful in some freaking way.

Puppy Grows and Knows Your Name: This toy begins as a puppy and grows to a full sized dog in four days. It learns your child’s name and then sings a couple of songs, actually using your child’s name. This is probably much better than an actual dog, which can’t even learn its own name in four days and will likely shit all over your house. I’d still hold out for the upgrade however, since there’s nothing funnier than a fake dog humping a real person’s leg.

Furreal Friends Squawkers McCaw Parrot: Apparently fake pets are very popular this year. I would have skipped over this as just another version in different packaging, but this one sings, dances, and get this, can repeat things you say, just like a regular parrot. I don’t know about the kids, but I would love to have something that would repeat what I say. What Christmas is complete with a fake bird saying “Polly will stick a foot up your ass if you don’t get me another Scotch … bitches.”

EyeClops Handheld Bionic Eye: This is actually sort of sweet. You plug it into your TV and it will give you close ups of tiny things on the screen. Actually, it’s far cooler than reading glasses, so it may offer something for the adults, as well. It will magnify something up to two hundred times, so don’t let the kids point it at the pores on your face unless you wanna freak out. Is it just a microscope wrapped up in a much cooler package? You bet, and that’s good enough for me.

Disney Flix Video Cam: This is a cool-assed kit that teaches kids to make their own movies. It’s got a camera and its own editing system. It’s probably a hell of a lot more fun than making movies with the old Super 8 camera like we used to. “Wow, that was sure fun shooting our little story. Let’s send this film off for processing and in two or three weeks, we’ll get to see what we shot.”

Rubik’s Revolution: Personally, I take offense to this toy. It’s supposed to be catchy, fun, and engaging. I’m proud to say I can still complete the original Rubik’s Cube, but let me tell you, there was nothing catchy, fun, or engaging about that. It was like going to freaking school trying to learn that freaking thing, and when you got done your only reward was being called a dork and getting the piss beat out of you. It was, however, much easy to put the cube back together after a group of surly eighth graders had smashed it into pieces on the ground.

Those are just a few of the highlights. I’m sure kids like them and I’m sure it’s all fine and dandy, but none of them are really a BB gun or a bike and they all seem a little candyass if you ask me. I’ve probably just missed the boat on the future toys. I’d be perfectly happy with one of those paddles that has a ball on a rubber band attached to it. Sure, I’m not learning all that much but I bet there’s still a smile on my face.